It has been a rough week at school for Blitzen. She missed ‘rally’ for the first time since she started there in November. Rally, from what I can tell, is a big, free-for-all, reward-for-good-behavior type thing on Thursday afternoons in the auditorium. There are snacks, music and dancing, sometimes a video and just crazy, wild fun. Blitzen LOVES rally. But everyday this week, Blitzen has stormed out of the classroom at least once each day and yesterday, she ran out 3 times. At home, it is fight. At school, it is flight. So no rally.
At dinner, we had a lot of things to discuss. What is happening at school and an incident with the babysitter that afternoon. Blitzen doesn’t really like to dive deeply into her feelings and behaviors and will do just about anything to avoid it. But when we have these conversations at dinner, she just tries to change the subject. Last night, the conversation went a little bit like this:
Andrew — How was school today? I haven’t looked at your point sheet yet. (School employs a point system and Blitzen loves to get all 72 points – sometimes she does but this week, not so much).
Blitzen — Not good. I got a 60.
Carrie — I saw your sheet and noticed that you left class again. That has been happening a lot. What’s going on?
Blitzen — The kids, you know, the boys, they just be getting on my nerves and my teacher. But wait, wait, can I ask you something?
Carrie — Yes, you can but this conversation about school isn’t finished.
Blitzen — I know but it is about guppies.
Andrew — We can talk about guppies for a minute but we’re coming back to what happened at school today.
Blitzen – The guppy in my science class is pregnant. And when her babies are born, she won’t know they are her babies and she will try to eat them. We saw it on a video.
Carrie — Wow. Are you going to separate the baby guppies from their mom?
Blitzen — Yes, you know what you have to do? You have to put the babies in another tank.
Andrew — Are you ready to talk about what happened at school now?
Blitzen – No, no, wait, I just gotta tell you something. One time, at my other foster house, I had 100 guppies and the mom guppy tried to eat all the babies and the baby guppies were really mad at the mom so I had to separate them. The baby guppies had to live in other tanks – I had like 100 tanks too.
Carrie — That is a lot of tanks. Now let’s talk about why you ran out of class today.
And on from there.
Now I am willing to wager a significant amount of money that Blitzen never had guppies before. But mostly I think it is fascinating how, even when she is avoiding talking about difficult things, she ends up revealing so much. What an interesting tale – you separated the baby guppies from the mom guppy because the babies were mad and they all ended up in separate tanks. Hmmmm, this story sounds very familiar and it has nothing to do with guppies.
really appreciate your honest, humorous take on life as a foster parent… your blog makes me laugh and ache at the same time, in the best possible way!
Wow. There’s a whole lotta metaphor available for you there & opportunities for questions. How did Blitzen know the mom wanted to eat the babies before she saw the video? What did the baby guppies do to let you know they were mad at the mom? Not nearly an expert, or even a beginner on such things, but I’d also note she said “at my other foster home” – so the metaphor would be in relation to a previous foster mom, maybe not her biological mother or Nana.
Do you think there’s a part of her that’s mad at you and Andrew just for being good to her? I can imagine that part of her might feel like the more she enjoys what is happening in your home, the farther away she might feel from her own. Like, if she reunites with her family, great – but how much is she losing in that too? So, you might be to blame for that loss just because you’re being loving to her – and she’s gotten used to preparing herself in advance of drama. Wow, it’s hard to be Blitzen.
I relate so much to what you are going through. Our 6 yo (placed with us 6 weeks ago, with her 11 yo sister) is VERY like Blitzen. However, instead of flight, it is confrontation… getting in fights and bullying, etc. Her anger is big and manifests in a million different ways. I can relate to the redirecting conversations and made up stories that are seemingly random and yet revealing… amazing how kids who’ve dealt with trauma can have so much in common behavior-wise.
BTW, I implemented your “code for hug” idea yesterday and it worked really well. Thank you!
Does her therapist have any suggestions on how to approach avoidance behaviors or memories and things like that?
I read this as I sit in the car, in the midst of a 5 hour drive to yet another hockey tournament. Our kids love hockey – I mean, really love hockey. We spend an outrageous amount of money and an even more outrageous amount of time to make this happen. We are privileged to turn our lives upside down so our children can do what they love. No one (except you two) have rearranged their lives to love her. And she has no idea to what extent you have changed. The only model of parenting she knows is the guppy model. I cannot imagine how alien your concern over missing the rally and her classroom behavior must be- alien and frightening. As alien as a mother guppy not knowing and eating her children would be to mine.
Oh guys – this just made me cry. What an amazing job you are doing & I certainly learn so much from coming here. Thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom and learning…