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Archive for May, 2012

Usually when Blitzen starts a sentence this, she is ready to negotiate or is preparing to lay out a plan that will surely convince us of whatever it is she would like to convince us.

Could she please get a very small dog, after the guineas die because she will be lonely for a pet? Can’t we go Disney World sometime this summer, if Andrew and I just save up for it, it won’t be that expensive, right?  How about if we let her swim for 10 minutes but then, we add-on 10 more minutes so that we all can practice mermaid swimming together?  You get the picture.

Last night, Blitzen asked if she could really stay with us.  Emphasis on really.  Now we’ve had several versions of this conversation and they are all difficult because so much of Blitzen’s permanency plan is up in the air.

So last night when she asked the question, I said that everyone who cares about her (me, Andrew, Nana, bio Mom, the folks at our agency and even the judge) want to be sure that she is happy, healthy and safe.  And that she can stay with us as long as she needs to and as long as everyone agrees it is the best thing for her.  And then she did something that she has never done before.  She said, ‘But if you adopt me, I could stay here forever.’

Ummmmm……shoot, I wasn’t expecting that one.  We talked about how we’d need to make a decision like that as a family with help from her bio family and the agency and NAC.  And Andrew said that no matter what, we were going to know her forever, even if she didn’t live with us forever, and that we’d always be friends and around to help her.  And then she started to cry and said that she really just wanted to live with Nana and Dancer and Dasher.

Sigh….there is just way too much going on it that little tiny 9-year-old head.

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Nothing like sliding down a steep hill on a giant, slippery, filthy tarp into a disgusting pool of muddy water.  Don’t worry, there is a giant hay bale at the foot of the slide to stop you!

We had a great time with Andrew’s family in NC this weekend.  There was lots of biking, hotel pool swimming, an outing with a pizza picnic, music and this fun homemade waterslide.  And best of all, I got 2 hours of quiet time to read a trashy book.  Love to you, Andrew’s family.  Nothing like an 8 adult to 3 kid ratio to help you relax.

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Blitzen loves to play the game ‘invisible’.  She will hide under the covers while we search and search and search for her.  Finally, we find her and we are so delighted and relieved and she is happy and giggly.  We play this game at least once a day.

And it is so fascinating. It is the perfect example of where Blitzen is developmentally and emotionally.

I hope that she is beginning to realize that Andrew and I will search and search (every morning!!) and that we enjoy finding her as much as she loves to be found.

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Blitzen has been having a very emotional week.  She has become convinced that I love only Dasher and Dancer and do not love her.  That I want those girls to live with me and I want her to move out.  You may ask yourself why she thinks this?  Well, I hold Dasher’s hand when we walk down the street (she is 4) and I very actively ask Dancer about school because I don’t think anyone else does and I encourage her to talk to me about books and school work, etc.  This is, in Blitzen’s mind, proof of my new found and exclusive affection for her siblings.

Last night, around homework time, she worked herself up into quite a state.   Lots of yelling, stomping and slamming doors.

I was sitting at the table trying very hard to demonstrate to the person screaming ‘You never listen to me’ that I REALLY was listening when Blitzen picked up the glass of water in front of me and held it over my head.

Blitzen to me, ‘I will dump this on you. I WILL do it and then what happens? Then what? What are you going to do?’

Note that this is all happening at a decibel that OSHA would insist requires special ear plug thingies.  A little bit of the water drips on my back accidentally, Blitzen (comically? sweetly? crazily?) gently wipes it off while still hollering and threatening me.

I reach up, gently take the glass from her hand and turn it upside down, right over my head. It was a full glass too and cold – it had ice in it.  Brrr!  Then I say, ‘If you dump a glass of water on me, I’ll get wet.  That is the only thing that will happen.’

Blitzen is stunned, staring at me silently for about 30 seconds.  Then she goes off again, ‘I wasn’t going to do it. Why did you do that?’ All in a very angry tone.

Carrie to Blitzen, ‘I am not angry, why are you?’

Blitzen to Carrie, ‘I hate you and I am going to swear and cuss. I did when I was a baby. I’ve done it with my friends, watch me.’

Carrie to Blitzen, ‘Really?  Which words are you going to say? F@#$, or S@#$, or D#@$.  Those are not very nice words and I try not to use myself but sometimes, people swear.’

Blitzen storms off to her room and re-emerges with her laundry basket, screaming, ‘ I am going to dump this on the floor. Watch me, I am going to do it.’ And she holds the basket aloft.

I march into my room, return with my laundry basket and then I dump my clothes on the floor.  And I say, ‘If we dump the laundry basket, there will be clothes on the floor.  Later, we’ll have to pick them up.  That is the only thing that will happen.’

Blitzen is flabbergasted.  She is furious, she is afraid.

She storms off into her room and slams the door so hard that she breaks the door jam, AGAIN!  She rants and raves to herself.  Eventually, she gets quieter, she sits on her bed and she calls me to come help her get the guineas out of their cage so that she can pet them.  (Petting the guineas is a big self-soother in our house.  They are worth like 10 weeks of therapy for every 10 minutes of petting.)

We all sit on the bed, Andrew, Blitzen and me, holding and petting the guineas and talking about what just happened and why and what we all might do differently next time.  Blitzen asks me if I really love her and I say that I do and I always will no matter what she does and no matter where she lives.  She cries and pets her guineas and gives them carrots.

We finish our evening routine in relative calmness.

Blitzen goes to bed.

I eat 2 cupcakes and then I go to bed.

Thank goodness for guinea pigs and cupcakes.

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We’ve come down from our bio dad contact high as I knew we would.

Picture poor little Blitzen, a ball of tension and anger and frustration, standing in the living room with her fists clenched screaming at me over and over and over – I don’t need you,  I don’t need Andrew, I don’t need you, I don’t need Andrew….sigh.

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And it is way to big for our tiny tiny little balcony.

This has not stopped Blitzen.  A photo of her filling it up.  You will note the creative, wiggly-side construction.  We’ve duct taped it into this shape so it fits.  How many spaghetti pots of water does it take to fill a wading pool, anyway?

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On Saturday, we were in the park, playing.  Andrew ran home to get some sandwiches so that we could have a picnic.  When he returned with his bag of yummy lunchtime treats, I sat down on a sunny park bench.  Blitzen looks at me, looks at the sun and announces that she is moving over to the moonlight.   And I said, great, I’ll come sit in the moonlight too and Andrew is looking at us both like we’ve lost our minds.  So I explain – you know, not the sunlight, so it must be the moonlight.  Some people call it the shade but those people lack imagination.

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