that I want to live with you forever.
This is what Blitzen said last night, in the cab home from the airport. I asked her, ‘What people?’ And Blitzen said, ‘You know, the agency.’
It was a beautiful NYC night, we didn’t even mind waiting in the taxi line after our trip home from NC to visit Andrew’s family. Thank you for a great visit, NC peeps! And we rode home over the Robert Kennedy Bridge (Triborough to me forever, thank you very much) with the windows open and breeze blowing our hair around like crazy, laughing and laughing at how silly we all looked with our tangled, wind-mussed hairdos.
What a sweet thing to say. What a heart wrenching thing to hear because nothing is certain, most uncertain of all, Blitzen’s permanency plan. She has begun asking more about this. Does she get to decide where she lives? When will it be settled? What will happen?
Andrew and I were talking this morning about how awful it will be for Blitzen if she has to leave us. Now, this isn’t just about us or about the relationship that Blitzen has with us which I think is rooted and loving and is really allowing her to grow in a lot of different ways. It is also about the lack of a relationship that she has with her mother. In an ideal world, this family would heal and the kids would be reunited and bio-mom would just get herself together and she and Blitzen would form a strong and nurturing bond. But it is not an ideal world and I am worried. When you have 6 kids, do you pay extra attention to the one that doesn’t seem to like you much or do you focus on the ones that you have bonded with? This is not a commendation of Blitzen’s mom, it is just human nature, I think. No one likes rejection and Blitzen and her mom have a very unhealthy pattern, they reject one another in subtle and not so subtle ways almost every time they see one another. And it is difficult for me to picture how that gets fixed (a single parent, living in poverty, with 6 kids and no positive familial support). It is just a huge hurdle to overcome.
I wish it was just as easy as ‘telling the people’ – many things in life would be better if it simply took a heartfelt declaration of what you want and then, bam, it was done.
I totally want to tell the people the same thing.
This breaks my heart! When we began exploring adoption, we considered foster-to-adopt for about 30 seconds before I realized that I’m simply not equipped to cope with this type of uncertainty. It would tear me apart to fall in love with a child and then see her go back into an environment where she might be unloved, neglected, or abused. But I really admire the wonderful foster parents like you, who give foster kids the best possible care that they can, in whatever time period that they have! You are amazing, and I know that whatever the future holds for Blitzen, she will forever be stronger and healthier because of the time she has had with you!
Oh how my heart hears this! We’ve been there with children in our care. We’ve taken a fostering break, and are just talking now about whether we will resume that role. It can be so hard. It can be so beautiful. Thinking of Blitzen today!
I think it would be super helpful if you set up an appointment for Blitzen to speak to her attorney. She is of an age where the attorney needs to know her wishes very clearly.
I am going to share something here that will make the blog-asphere filled with supportive foster parents lose their collective minds. I’ve mentioned that this case is unusual in that it is a tale of 2 agencies, it is a tale of a level of bureaucratic incompetence usually reserved for the executive and legislative branches of government. We’ve never met or heard from Blitzen’s lawyer, Blitzen’s guardian ad litem and she certainly does not have a CASA. We’ve asked about them, we think they are supposed to, in theory, exist. Hmmmm…
I’m assuming you’re in Manhattan – I would start by calling the Manhattan Legal Aid Juvenile Rights Division (easily google-able). Explain who you are and it’s likely that the receptionist can do a search to see if a lawyer there is assigned to her. Most fosterkids in NYC are assigned to legal aid law guardians (although they now call themselves “children’s attorneys” or something. A small handful of kids are assigned private, pro-bono lawyers but it’s pretty rare so I bet you’ll be able to track down the lawyer without going through the agency. Of course private message me if there’s more I can do to help.
I don’t think Blitzen’s case is as unusual as you suggest it is, alas, though it may be unusual in unique ways. We never met Mara’s GAL either. I tried to introduce myself to him at one hearing and he just blinked and walked away. She had another one for the adoption who required that we have an office visit but Mara hurt herself with the lawyer’s toybox and then wouldn’t talk to her.
Nia, who just came to us a month ago, has been talking about being adopted like Mara if she’s not able to go back to her mom. It’s such a relief in some ways to be able to say that it’s the judge who makes those sorts of decisions and none of us can make those choices ourselves, but it’s heartbreaking to see her negotiate all that she’s going through. Thinking of you.
Just a point of clarification: in NY, children do not have guardian ad litems. They have attorneys. The difference is that a GAL uses their own judgment whereas a child’s attorney is supposed to prioritize advocating the child’s position. In terms of CASA, Carrie, I don’t think you need them. They are typically useful in cases where the child and mother have high needs that need a push to be met. They don’t actually advocate.
You would not typically meet Blizten’s attorney. The attorney should, however, be checking in with Blitzen prior to permanency hearings. It’s important to identify that person.
very helpful, Marie. So much to know about this wacky system, I find it all quite confusing. We’ll check in about the attorney. There is another permanency hearing scheduled for September so in theory, I guess Blitzen should be hearing from them.
BTW, if you have Blitzen’s family court case number, the unified court system website, Family Court e-courts, will list the name of the child’s attorney.
http://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/webcivil/ecourtsMain
At her age her opinion about where she wants to live should actually matter a lot (though not exclusively of course). Good luck pushing to find out who her lawyer is and trying to get his/her ear. They’re really busy, but either the lawyer or his/her social worker should give you and Blitzen an ear before the next permanency hearing. You might have to fight for it though.
It’s just about where she wants to live, which will have some weight, but more the experience that she is having. It sounds like her mental health and behavior has improved tremendously in this environment.
Wow, so moving and yet so rough to hear. Either way you have made a huge difference in her life and hopefully things will all work out for the best for Blitzen. I am thinking good thoughts for you guys!