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Archive for August, 2012

Totally awesome, applied by Blitzen and Carrie.

"An african american mermaid, just like me" said Blitzen

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Way back in the beginning, it was really hard to be with Blitzen out in the world – lots of stimulus, lots of drama.  I would often distract her by ‘interviewing’ her.  I would get out a pad of paper and ask her a lot questions (or just one) and let her tell me how she saw it.

When moving, I uncovered an old notebook and I found the following list which I can only deduce must have been Blitzen’s response to the question above or something quite similar:

1) Don’t be mean

2) Don’t talk rudely

3) Don’t ever hit a child

4) Listen to kids

5) Make sure there is healthy food

6) Give them a safe place to sleep, not on the floor

7) Learn about the kids when they move to your house

8) Help kids with their homework

9) Take them to the doctor and dentist

10) Make sure they eat grains and vegetables

11) Teach kids stuff they don’t know

12) Make sure kids go to school

13) Give kids their medicine when they need it

14) Play with kids

15) Give kids hugs and kisses, especially when they feel sad

I must say that I think this list about covers it.

 

 

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carrie-cationAnd, I felt a little guilty about it. But not so guilty that I called. Just another indicator of how badly I needed the separation and quiet.

Before Blitzen, I got a lot of time to myself and I enjoyed it. I mean, I really enjoyed it. A lot of people don’t love being alone. I do, love going to dinner alone, the movies, on walks, you name it. I am also a very social person and a crazy workaholic – maybe I kinda do a lot of stuff to the max? But I always created lots of carrie-on-my-own-time. And now, I really struggle with finding it – so much energy is focused on Blitzen.

I know it is not possible to cram 8 years worth of ‘really should have had, really deserved, really needed’ stuff into the right-this-second, but I am (probably very unhealthily) trying.

All this to say, I turned off the phone and tried not to feel too guilty about it.

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I climbed magnificent, beautiful, deep rusty red, petrified sand dunes. The wind had blown the sand in from goodness knows where, piled it layer upon layer until it created mountains of dust and sand grains. Then it all just hardened and cemented into these crazy, exquisite, intricate patterns. The dunes have stayed almost exactly as they were when they were formed thousands and thousands of years ago.

Many days, I worry about what has hardened in Blitzen. She is an amazingly beautiful creation, the result of random acts and unusual circumstances. She has been buffeted and blown all about. In my humble opinion, she is a freaking miraculous work of nature, she is a wonder, for sure.

But, her anger is locked, frozen, deep inside. What if she can never let it go? The only time she seems capable of releasing any of it is when there is a Blitzen storm, a torrent of emotion that sweeps through like a flash flood. And I don’t know if she is relinquishing her pain or just wearing herself down. Like the dunes that are made of sandstone, she is hard but fragile,  so easy to damage.

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I am in red rock country, settling, centering, quieting myself. I visited the same petroglyphs that I wrote about a year ago. And once again, I am awed by the beauty of the art carved deep in the rock, equally awed by the need of human beings to connect and communicate through space and time. To reveal their story and explain (or maybe discover?) their origins.

Lately, Blitzen has been fairly obsessed with hearing the story of the day we met. She will ask Andrew and I to tell the tale, from our own point of view and then, she’ll ask to hear it again.

I try not to get too much inside Blitzen’s head. But this new, oft repeated topic of conversation, really has me wondering what she is thinking and feeling. On some levels, it is pretty transparent, as she struggles to feel like a part of our family, this memory is something big, important, a moment that we all share. And, of course, it is the beginning. Hard to know where you should go next, if you can’t come to terms with where you have been.

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“It’s the move,” said Blitzen.  “I don’t like it here. I like our old house, I was used to it.”

“Yeah, I know,  I loved our old house too.  But sometimes people have to move. We didn’t choose it, we just had to.  And soon, we’ll love this house too.”

“I won’t,” said Blitzen.

“Really?” I replied.  “What about when your mermaid mural is up on the wall? And look at that new, cool bookshelf that we just built for you. And the room is such a pretty color blue now, you got to pick the color.”  Yes, I came home early from work to build a bookshelf, not that I am bragging about my handiness or anything.  Blitzen was an excellent helper – she loves to construct things.

Silence, considering.

“Would you like to look at our art work and decide what to put up in here?  Where the Wild Things Are?  Or the Purple Panda that Tom painted for us?”

“Ok, Wild Things and the Panda, over there and there.  I guess I’ll call the new house Tobias.”

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When we started this blog, Andrew and I, I think we mostly wanted to force ourselves to produce a record of what we expected would be an unusual, amazing, heartbreaking, confusing, joyful journey.  And it has been those things.  It has been a little bit of an electronic lifebook of the past year plus, a public journal of our attempt to parent/love/engage/give to a creative, bright, sad, angry little girl.

For me, the blogging has been way more.  It has been something that I have done for myself in a way that I did not anticipate.

I really enjoy writing – who knew?  It is cathartic and liberating and forces me to be mindful and experience this experience now, as it is happening.

It has also built a community of support.  When I feel tired or like I am not a good parent or think to myself, why on earth did I sign up to do this exhausting, maddening job? Somebody always hears me and responds in a way that makes me take a deep breath and reminds me that I can do this.  That I am doing it and I am doing it pretty darn well, actually, so I should let go a little bit and accept and relax.  And often the responder is a total stranger which is oddly validating because, wow, someone that doesn’t even know and love me, is taking time to send me good internet vibes.  How thoughtful, how kind, how helpful it is to hear from you, internet peeps.  And I also feel, as corny as it sounds, that creates an atmosphere of love for Blitzen.  She doesn’t know about it but I do — a kind of shockingly large number of geographically diverse people are rooting for her and interested in her story.

All this to say, thanks for talking me into blogging, Andrew.  It has totally been worth it.

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