There is a court hearing next week – a permanency hearing. And I just have time for a quick post but will say this:
1) the court document that we were sent is so riddled with error, inaccuracy and just awful grammar that it, in itself, is a crime
2) the last hearing was so stupid that I am not going. Andrew is, even though he knows it will be stupid and a waste of time, because it says on the document that if we don’t go, we waive the right to speak. And in true Andrew fashion, he announced this morning, “I am certainly not waiving the right to anything!”
3) Blitzen is finally meeting her LG. This is good and I hope it will be empowering for her. I am a little concerned (cause I am like that) that she will invest too much in the discussion and think that it will impact things greatly either way. She told Andrew last night that she intends to tell the LG that she wants to go home to her bio mom which is fine, of course, except that more than 50% of the time, she wants to us to be ‘home’ so hence my worry that she will say one thing and think she has magically set in motion an unstoppable sequence of events and regret what she said. On the other hand, perhaps I am only the person in the family that does that.
Did they spell her name right? The LG will tell her that there are a lot of things to consider and the judge decides, not Blitzen. Most kids say that they want to go “home” (to bio parent) but really what they want is for the grown ups to decide.
Ugh. Nia had a meeting with her law guardian and now has a CASA too and in both cases it’s been hard to walk the line between “Be honest with her because she really needs to know what you want and what you’ve experienced!” and “Honestly, you’re 6 and you don’t get to make the decisions.” I’ve made a point of saying to all the professionals I can that of course she’s conflicted and I think that’s totally appropriate given the circumstances.
We recently went through this with our girls over a permanency hearing. It was so stressful! They pretty much imploded when the LG visited us because they felt it would have such an impact on their future. They were fighting with each other because one said she wanted to stay with us and the other said she wanted to go with bio dad. I encouraged them both to be honest about their feelings. Unfortunately, they were scared that they would be separated because they had wanted different things and also scared that they would be yanked out of our home as quickly as they were brought here. Of course, at the time we didn’t realize the scenarios they envisioned that were causing them to act out. It was all deciphered after the fact. For a long time they were conflicted and very obviously wrestling with this, but since our court date in August, they have calmed down a lot and consistently say they want to stay here. Very difficult to remain ambiguous, yet supportive when they are so desperate to be settled into a family situation.
Really important to emphasize that when you’re a kid, you’re opinion matters but the grown ups decide at the end (which happens to be the truth). They shouldn’t have to deal with the pressure of thinking that what they say carries the day.
Very true, Marie. Unfortunately, everything we said about it being a decision made by grown ups didn’t seem to matter. We tried every which way to diffuse the pressure, but they were asked what they wanted by the LG, case planner and therapist separately over the course of a week or so and all that added up to alot of anxiety over identifying and voicing their feelings.