Blitzen said this to me one evening this week during a particularly emotional discussion. And by discussion, I mean Blitzen was crying and yelling and I was trying to figure what the heck was going on.
When Blitzen said that several things went through my mind:
Does she mean we’re trying to separate her from her family and make her part of our family?
Does she mean that we want some of her behaviors to change and that we are asking her to take more responsibility for herself and her place within our family and that is uncomfortable and unpleasant?
Or does she mean that we are trying to make her more like us? If I am being honest about that, by more like us, I probably mean more white. Andrew and I are aware of our whiteness just as Blitzen is and we know that she feels a cultural disconnect in our home. It is hard to know exactly how to approach this - how to understand her experiences both inside and outside of our home, how to relate to the way that she is seeing the world and moving through it as a person of color.
Blitzen asks us a lot about our culture – what is our culture, what is our history, where do we come from, who do we connect to. So I know that she is thinking about this quite often, trying to figure out how it all fits together – what is the same, what is different and what the differences mean.
There is a lot that I want to say on this topic but I am having trouble articulating it. So I will stop here with a reminder to myself to be mindful and to keep thinking about this and attempting to articulate my feelings and thoughts and work on finding ways to discuss it openly with Blitzen.
I think being white often means a lack of practice at explaining your culture to other Americans…not always and not necessarily through any bad intentions. The need for it just doesn’t arrive as much; you need contrast to even see your culture as a culture and not just how things are. But I think when that happens, it can be a really good thing. My parents are different races, one immigrant, one not, and they take rather short-sighted views of each others’ cultures and extended families (neither of which has been terribly welcoming, in all fairness). I feel like over time I’ve come to appreciate both cultures, though that didn’t really kick in until I was a young adult, and it’s such a gift. It gives me a lot more options for seeing people’s actions in a positive light, and a lot more mechanisms to show love and support, multiple definitions of what family, success, work, gender roles mean. Is it sometimes lonely to be a different race from your white parent and have a really different experience of the world? Yes, and for my mom also. But can people enter into each others’ experiences through conversation and empathy? Yes. Does anyone do a perfect job of that? No. I guess what I am trying to say is that even if it’s hard for her right now, it may still be good in the long run, and even if it’s not, it won’t ruin a childhood or your relationships or be a lifelong scar . It will just be a part of her experience that’s different. And when you’re an adult, you make sense of those experiences and move forward or embrace them. It is really important so it’s right to be thinking about it hard and being concerned and making an effort, but I guess I just wanted that to be reassuring to you that however you handle this divide, if you’re making this much effort and being concerned, it’s not going to make or break anything…like any other important aspect of parenting, there will probably be things Blitizen wished you did or didn’t do but…it will be okay.
It may not be race per se; it may be the change from poverty class, to middle class or upper middle class. That could be the different culture.
First off will just say that I love love love your blog.
Second off just say hats off to you for doing the healing work that we would all be doing if we knew where to start.
Then, I will say: it is not possible to be with another human without changing them and yourself at the same time. How much change do you want, and do you expect it to be you changing or them changing you? Ideally you know that any real exchange is an exchange of gifts. My favorite definition of hospitality is the understanding that all your guests, those who come and stay with you in your home, are there to bring you a gift, but the fun part is that neither you nor they know what that gift is. A parallel realization for this is learning that the German word for guest, Gast, is the same as the German word for Host. I was an exchange student there in the 80s before the WALL came down, and I was a GastStudentin while my host family was a GastFamilie. Understanding it as a membrane, a relationship, a mirror, a lens, was helpful, and perhaps healthier than seeing it as a donor/receiver relationship.
Best to you both, and to Blitzen,
Anne
This is such an amazing way to think about it. Echoing Andrew’s love it!
Can you say to Blitzen, Yes! I want to change you, and I want YOU to change me, too!
Love it.