Andrew and I have noticed that when Blitzen has a build up of big feelings – maybe she doesn’t understand what they are, maybe she can’t articulate what they are or maybe she is afraid to – she’ll search around for something that she thinks is a socially acceptable reason for the sadness and anger.  For example, her great, great grandmother died unexpectedly or she will claim that she really misses people (she does miss people but in these moments, she often picks kind of random people that she has met only a handful of times).

All of this is better than a physical manifestation of her emotions.  And even the made up ‘reasons’ all seem to be moving us down the road toward being able to identify our feelings, the root of them and then discussing them more openly.  And last night, she did a really good job using her words, telling us all of the things that she felt and then everything that she wanted to do to get her frustration and anger and sadness out without actually letting herself to get out of control physically.  At one point, she was sobbing on the subway platform and biting on my wallet — much better to take it out on the wallet than herself or us!  And even in this state, she was able at times to accept some physical comforting from me, in the form of brief hugs and short back pats.  And eventually, after a long, hot shower, she was able to relax into our usual evening routine.

Everybody is looking forward to the nice, quiet, long weekend.  I wish I could convince Andrew and Blitzen it would be fun to lay around in our pjs reading all weekend but somehow, I suspect it is not gonna go that way!

My favorite item is my mermaid tail. It makes me feel like I am home. It gives me a shiver. When I am swimming, all I care about is swimming in my tail.

We’ve been trying to involve Blitzen in this decision but she is very indecisive.  An example to illustrate this (and maybe it is not indecisiveness, perhaps it is inattention but whatever)  that repeats itself every morning at breakfast, “Blitzen, would you like oj or milk to drink?” The reply is always that last thing, “Milk.”  An adult delivers the milk and Blitzen looks at said adult as though the adult has grown a second head and says, “I don’t want milk.”  The adult will reply something like, “I think you requested milk.” Blitzen then gets all squinty eyed because she thinks we’re trying to con her somehow, “No I didn’t!” And the adult says, “Well, I guess I misunderstood.  You can help yourself to another beverage, if you would like.”  She never does but depending on her mood, sulking and crankiness might ensue.

And so it has been with camp.  “Blitzen, would like to go to gymnastics camp or drama camp?” “Drama.” “Ok, you’re sure, because we have to commit.  I’ll you sign up for drama camp.”  Blitzen will say, “I’m not sure.”  Hmmmm….

All this back and forth, uncertainty (and I am not just talking about the court case, even simple phone calls are ridiculously hard).  This is craziness – not healthy or helpful to parents, kids or fosterparents.  So stressful for everyone.  We’ve deliberately avoided talking about court dates with Blitzen.  She is aware that the judge is working on things, talking to her parents. I am sure that the lawyer revealed that she would be conveying Blitzen’s wishes to the judge directly today.  But since Blitzen likes to know exactly what will happen next and precisely when it will happen and since we don’t know anything at all, let alone precisely, we’ve just been talking around the subject.

But we do have a plan should the court ever conclude its business.  If there is a judgement, all the kids will be told together at the agency by the social workers – no parents, no foster-parents in the room.  If it is termination, then foster-parents will be asked to join at the end of the conversation and we’ll talk about planning for visits moving forward, reassure the children that they will continue visit one another and at least for awhile, visit with their parents routinely at the agency.  Then I guess everyone has to figure out the next steps together.

Our main goal for school this year was getting Blitzen to love school and to feel like a valued, successful member of a community of learners.  All are agreed – A+ (except our school doesn’t give grades but the many pages of thoughtfully written narrative tell the story).

At one point in the visit, Blitzen suggested that we create a baby sling.  So using a baby blanket and her sweater, we fashioned a sling.  It was not quite sturdy enough for walking around but it worked well when we were sitting on the bench. As we sat in the sun, shoes off, the littlest of us relaxing in the homemade baby sling, Blitzen said, “I am good at taking care of babies because I’ve been practicing with my dolls.”  That is so true but Blitzen is also good at taking care of babies because she is Blitzen — kind, caring, empathetic and patient.  It is a wonderful thing to watch.

Notice how I artfully colored Sandy’s face to hide her identity