Court

All day last Tuesday, all day today.  Blitzen’s lawyer was supposed to see her this weekend and didn’t.  Sigh. And then she called Andrew’s cellphone at 3pm yesterday and Andrew said, “Um, I am at work and Blitzen’s at school”.  So she said she would call back at 7pm and didn’t so we called her and she said, “This isn’t a good time” and then she called at 8:00pm but Blitzen was in the shower so we called her back at 8:15pm.  I don’t know exactly what was said, we gave Blitzen some privacy.  After she got off the phone, she was crying but said that she didn’t want to talk about it. Poor baby, so hard to be in this situation and have to tell some stranger on the phone what you want your life to look like and what you don’t want it to look like.

All this back and forth, uncertainty (and I am not just talking about the court case, even simple phone calls are ridiculously hard).  This is craziness – not healthy or helpful to parents, kids or fosterparents.  So stressful for everyone.  We’ve deliberately avoided talking about court dates with Blitzen.  She is aware that the judge is working on things, talking to her parents. I am sure that the lawyer revealed that she would be conveying Blitzen’s wishes to the judge directly today.  But since Blitzen likes to know exactly what will happen next and precisely when it will happen and since we don’t know anything at all, let alone precisely, we’ve just been talking around the subject.

But we do have a plan should the court ever conclude its business.  If there is a judgement, all the kids will be told together at the agency by the social workers – no parents, no foster-parents in the room.  If it is termination, then foster-parents will be asked to join at the end of the conversation and we’ll talk about planning for visits moving forward, reassure the children that they will continue visit one another and at least for awhile, visit with their parents routinely at the agency.  Then I guess everyone has to figure out the next steps together.

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Anxiety (Carrie’s)

Everyone is anxious this week about what might (or likely won’t) happen at court.  It is certainly making me tense and crabby and less loving and patient than I would like to be.  There was a lot of talk in our foster training about how anxiety producing these moments can be for kids.  No one discussed how anxiety producing it can be for foster parents – even if you whole-heartedly support reunification, the unknowingness of the family court system is exhausting, infuriating and alienating.

Our experience is that it is random and chaotic.  Kids aren’t  the only ones that like to know what to expect…..

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yeah, court again

In a week.  We’ll see.

It has been a year since the suspended judgement and the agency says that this is it, the judge will rule and it will be done.  I am not buying it, heard it all before.

 

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Caught between two worlds

As many of you may have realized, Blitzen has a thing for mermaids.  She is fascinated by them  – part person, part fish, live on land, live in the sea.  It is, of course, the perfect metaphor for her own situation.  How many times has Blitzen asked me, “Would you rather be a semi-mer or a full-mer?”.  More than I can count.

As I have mentioned, she is having a little bit of a hard time which has renewed, as it always does, her interest in writing her fairies and now, her mermaids.  She has asked her mermaids to please, please, please make her a full-mer.  Sigh — the fairies and mermaids cannot do this, as much as they would like to.  And the fairies and mermaids have been kind of hedging – they are looking for ancient mermaid texts, striped green electric eel eggs to use to concoct potions and they are waiting for the spring equinox (which just happens to be the date of the next court hearing).  Perhaps then, for the love of god and mermaids, there will be some kind of resolution and Blitzen can finally feel like she is really on the road to wherever she needs to be – full and complete and settled.

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actual email exchange

Between me and our agency because several months ago, CPS changed Blitzen’s board rate.  They did so without telling anyone or talking to anyone or you know, doing anything that anyone would think qualified as good process.  When Blitzen came to us, she was extra super secret special sauce, then over the summer, with no explanation, we just starting getting the ketchup rate and now we’ve been notified that we’re supposed to paid for like extra dressing but not special sauce any more and of course we haven’t been.  These are my own names for the various board rates because the real names are stupid.  Also, how any person is supposed to raise a kid in NYC on the ketchup rate is beyond me. We don’t ‘need’ the money but the money pays for Blitzen’s stellar after school care – a former special ed teacher who is applying to PhD programs and is brilliant and kind and patient and young and totally cool (opinion of Blitzen, me and Andrew) therefore perfect which equals just a wee bit more than the usual afterschool kinda care.

So….

Carrie to nice helpful agency person:

Thanks for your help with this.  I am faxing in our request for a fair hearing this morning attached here for everyone’s records.

I do have a question (and maybe it is actually for our case worker).  As we manage our budget moving forward until we hear about the hearing, I need clarity on the rate that we currently getting – the letter says $XX and this may be a stupid question but is that per day? And if yes, then we haven’t been receiving that – we’ve been receiving less.  So does anyone know when the new wrong rate will kick in (if my calculations are correct, about $XXXX per month) or will we continue to receive the old wrong rate (about $XXX a month) until we get back to our real right rate (which I think was about $XXXX per month)?

Sincerely, Carrie

For the record everyone thinks Blitzen is greatly improved but surely is totally still extra super secret special sauce.  Whatever – we’d do it for free but it is the principal of the thing.

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I am going to live with my social worker

Since Andrew and I ‘don’t even understand kids or what they want’, Blitzen informed us that she will be moving in with her social worker until we figure out ‘how to treat kids right and give them respect.’  There are several really interesting things about that statement.  Blitzen had a particularly challenging family visit and a disappointing interaction with her mother just hours beforehand.  I suspect the message delivered to Andrew and me was intended for someone else entirely.

But it is wonderful to see that Blitzen has developed a level of trust with her worker that she would even think that it was a possibility, that she views this very energetic, kind and attentive woman as a safe haven – someone who listens to her and respects children.

All of the energy that Andrew and I put into choosing an agency has paid off – while there have been many challenges, everyone at the agency is caring, kind and devoted.  It certainly has made all the difference to us and I see that it has made a huge impact on Blitzen as well.

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Blitzen’s new sibling

Yes, you read correctly.  Blitzen’s mom is having another baby, and Blitzen is very, very excited.

Blitzen’s mom delightedly shared the news with the kids at family visit two weeks ago.  Knowing that Dasher was removed removed from the home at birth, I asked if she’d be able to keep the baby.  Mom explained to me that if she has the baby in New Jersey, New York’s Administration of Children’s Services won’t be able to take the baby away.  I suspect this plan is less foolproof than it may appear, but in the alternate reality of Fosterland I’m never certain if I’m crazy or if everyone else is.

We’re now seven weeks into the pregnancy.  Blitzen is counting up to 14 weeks when her mom said she’d know the baby’s gender.  If you’re keeping score at home, Blitzen’s has two sisters and three brothers that she sees each week, plus two brothers on her father’s side that she learned about last year.  But what she wants most is a baby sister.  For now, this pregnancy is her dream come true.

Naturally, Blitzen is lobbying for us to take the baby.  “I’ll be so good, and I won’t be jealous, and I’ll be the one who wakes up at night, and…”    We stick with the safety of Maybe Days answers: “Well, we don’t get to decide those things…”   And it’s true.  The home of Blitzen’s baby sibling, like the home of Blitzen herself, will be decided in an adversarial courtroom by people who aren’t related to her, haven’t met her and don’t love her.   (Please re-read that sentence if you’re one of the well-meaning people who witness Blitzen’s rage and ask why she feels powerless, objectified and out of control even though she was put in a lovely foster home.)

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You don’t care about me, I’m just a reward

It took me awhile but then I got it — just a ward, as in ward of the state.  Poor Blitzen, she is so convinced that she is unwantable, so afraid that we’re going to try to take something from her, so insecure about every single thing that the most mundane transactions take on tremendous significance.

This particular bout of sadness and extreme anger came when I asked her to pay me $20.   She demanded to know why I was trying to the steal the $20 that her grandfather had given her.  Now, for the record Blitzen has lots of cash for a 9 year old.  Several people have given her money for Christmas, including her grandfather, we give her a weekly allowance and it is all for her and all to spend on something fun.

We had gone shopping for her sisters earlier in the day and I paid for those gifts – Blitzen chose something for the girls as her present and I chose something from me and Andrew for each of them as well. I happily paid for it all.  Upon leaving the store, Blitzen gleefully exclaimed that she had tricked me and was keeping one of the presents for herself.  I told her that she could certainly keep the gift but it cost $20, she would need to repay me when we got home.

I realize this particular thing was loaded from the beginning. I knew we’d have a meltdown when we got home and I asked for the money.  And my prediction was correct – a full hour of fight.  Her internal messaging is so warped that it is inconceivable to her that every interaction isn’t some kind of con.  Truly, it breaks my heart.  And it wears me out.

Eventually, I got the $20 and Blitzen calmed down.  Life returned to semi-normal.  But it makes me a bit nervous for a week of gift giving in different states.   We’ll see.

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Family Visit, part 1,268

Have I written about family visits before? I have? Well, I am going to revisit them.

Loyal readers may recall that we were overjoyed when the visits were moved to our agency.  Finally, adequate supervision.  Well, you know, not what you’d think.  Bio mom had a party for the kids this week.  It was sweet, actually – she made food and they decorated cookies and she brought fun stuff for the kids to do. It was good.  She also invited all manner of family members that I don’t know which just makes me uneasy and is less good.  And the agency was not (by their own admission) paying as much attention as they would ordinarily pay.  And guess what happened?

Fake nails, that is what happened.  Now, I know what you are thinking – chill out.  Of all the crazy shit that happens at family visits, I realize this is fairly benign.  There was no violence, no psychologically damaging surprise visit by bio dad.  But Blitzen is 9, just 9. And she and I go round and round on this fake nail thing.  I am not talking Lee press-on nails, here. I mean acrylic nails. I just don’t think they are appropriate.  And they are made of chemicals that I am pretty sure will kill you.  And for a kid with sensory issues, they are a distraction of epic proportions.  She can’t stop tapping, touching, scratching, clicking, flicking and just generally feeling the fun and unusual sensations that come with the nails.

I didn’t say anything though.  Not to bio mom.  I said a lot to the social worker.  This is why family visits are supposed to be supervised, carefully.  In my opinion, one of the main functions of the agency is to help mediate the ground between parents and foster parents. I may not cut Blitzen’s hair without her mother’s permission – that is a rule and I totally understand why.   We operate in a world of impermanence and total uncertainty.  And bio parents have the right to make decisions and exert some control.  Things could return to ‘normal’ at any moment.  But foster parents live in the day to day battling impermanence with whatever stability they can provide. So it is frustrating to say no to fake nails for  over a year and then, bam, I show up and the kid has daggers attached to each finger.

All right, deep breath.  They will fall off in the pool, right?????

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The tumble

Blitzen fell down the subway stairs.  And my heart stopped and then she started screaming and I leapt down a flight of stairs (who knew that I could still leap?!?) then after a few minutes, I had assessed the situation and she was ok.  A badly scraped knee, a few bumps and bruises, and a brand-new anxiety to add to our long, long list.  But she was fine.  I helped her up, we limped back home, first aid was administered.

As she sobbed on the couch (Blitzen cannot deal with discomfort or frights, takes her a bit of time to recover) between dabs of aloe on her knee and applications of ice, she recounted the story to Andrew – a slip, a fall to one knee and a crash down the steps landing very, very hard on her bottom.  After telling the tale, I mentioned that she might have a big bruise on bottom (she went down really hard) and the sobbing started again, “But I don’t want a bruise, I love my booty, I talk about it all the time!”  This is quite true, she does talk about it, ALL THE TIME.  Andrew and I could barely contain our laughter.

An interesting foster care side note is that after deciding all was well, no need for medical intervention, I felt compelled to email the social worker and describe the incident and how/why I came to the conclusion that no medical intervention was necessary.   Foster care - all of the accountability, none of the authority.

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