Court

All day last Tuesday, all day today.  Blitzen’s lawyer was supposed to see her this weekend and didn’t.  Sigh. And then she called Andrew’s cellphone at 3pm yesterday and Andrew said, “Um, I am at work and Blitzen’s at school”.  So she said she would call back at 7pm and didn’t so we called her and she said, “This isn’t a good time” and then she called at 8:00pm but Blitzen was in the shower so we called her back at 8:15pm.  I don’t know exactly what was said, we gave Blitzen some privacy.  After she got off the phone, she was crying but said that she didn’t want to talk about it. Poor baby, so hard to be in this situation and have to tell some stranger on the phone what you want your life to look like and what you don’t want it to look like.

All this back and forth, uncertainty (and I am not just talking about the court case, even simple phone calls are ridiculously hard).  This is craziness – not healthy or helpful to parents, kids or fosterparents.  So stressful for everyone.  We’ve deliberately avoided talking about court dates with Blitzen.  She is aware that the judge is working on things, talking to her parents. I am sure that the lawyer revealed that she would be conveying Blitzen’s wishes to the judge directly today.  But since Blitzen likes to know exactly what will happen next and precisely when it will happen and since we don’t know anything at all, let alone precisely, we’ve just been talking around the subject.

But we do have a plan should the court ever conclude its business.  If there is a judgement, all the kids will be told together at the agency by the social workers – no parents, no foster-parents in the room.  If it is termination, then foster-parents will be asked to join at the end of the conversation and we’ll talk about planning for visits moving forward, reassure the children that they will continue visit one another and at least for awhile, visit with their parents routinely at the agency.  Then I guess everyone has to figure out the next steps together.

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‘Cause it has been that kind of week

I wanted to go back and see what we were up to a year ago.  Have we made any progress at all or are we just exactly where we’ve always been???

I am dry so I think we’ve made some progress.

 

 

 

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yeah, court again

In a week.  We’ll see.

It has been a year since the suspended judgement and the agency says that this is it, the judge will rule and it will be done.  I am not buying it, heard it all before.

 

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DOE

Andrew has written so thoughtfully and eloquently on this just now.  But I really must add:

Suck much, New York City Department of Education?

I can’t recall how much I blogged about last year’s IEP experience. But it was ridiculous. And we are embarking on a different process this year and I guess I should say that I am glad that they didn’t break any laws this time.  At least not yet.  A year ago, it was like they read the handbook and reviewed the due process guidelines and then chuckled and said, ‘let’s do the exact opposite just to fuck with them’. It was theater of the absurd or candid camera or something. Every special education professional that we spoke to following that original IEP meeting in June of 2012 gaped at us in disbelief and said,  “You’re kidding right?!?” to which we’d reply, “No, that really happened, just like that.” and the special ed person would say, “Um, wow, that is so totally against the law.  They really can’t do that.”  And we did in fact file a letter with the DoE explaining how they had violated due process and we requested mediation. In all their wisdom, the DoE chuckled again and said, “You are not this child’s parents.  So, we don’t actually have to listen to you at all, foster parents, go away.  Or have her mother file a grievance.” **  And we did maybe not the right thing but the most expedient thing – we said, “Never mind, we’re sending our kid to a place that values children and their parents (foster or otherwise).”

This year, they are simply allowing themselves to be guided by a very faulty evaluation.   And because of the school we are in, a very expensive independent school that focuses on children and not tests of any kind,  it doesn’t really matter much for Blitzen’s day to day existence / experience. We went to DOE for some support services, we need services and we got services. So, that is all good, right?  As long as she stays with us, as long as we invest in her education at an independent school, it will be ok, probably.  If she ever has to return to public school, this evaluation will be all that matters and I am not sure that I am exaggerating when I say that it would have a devastating impact on Blitzen’s education.

**  Just an aside that if Blitzen’s mother, at this moment in her life, had the time, energy and where with all to take on a huge, intimidating, bureaucratic, death star of an organization like DoE, her children would likely be living with her and not in care.  That is why foster parents exist, often times, to help parents do parenting when for whatever reason they cannot – be it for 6 months or forever.  So the fact that a foster parent would be refused due process ON BEHALF OF a child in their care just goes to show that all of this has nothing to do with children and everything to do with power and oppression.  And so I stand by my opening statement, so elegantly articulated – DOE sucks.

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The Siblings

Several people, in different contexts, have asked us about the siblings recently.  And would we consider taking one, two, all 6?  And certainly we cannot take all 6.  Living in NYC and given the work that Andrew and I both do outside the home (which not only supports our family financially but also feeds and sustains us in lots of other ways too) we can’t take on 7 children with emotional, behavioral and cognitive special needs.

But, could we take one more?  And if we did, which one? And if we did, would it really be the best thing for Blitzen? And if we did, would it really be the best thing for Carrie and Andrew?

We discuss this, off and on.  We wonder if the benefit of being coupled with one of her siblings would add value for Blitzen – she so longs for bio-family connection on a daily basis – or would our divided attention along side some of the negative and competitive patterns of interaction that are so deeply ingrained within the sibling dynamics undo the positive progress of the past 17 months?  We wonder.

We always said that we were a 1 kid family – that was the intention.  We also were pretty committed to getting a child that we would support through reunification or family placement and then beyond as  solid, lifelong mentor/aunt-uncle type supporters.  And we took a child that was headed for a kinship placement and then, well — 1.5 years later, we’re asking the agency about adoption paperwork.

It is hard to know where is all gonna land.  Andrew would like to find families for all the kids that live in our neighborhood and share a compatible parenting style and basically start a foster parent commune. Hmmm, not sure that is gonna work but if anyone is up for it, let us know.

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starting in the middle

Andrew and I were asked to speak to a group of new recruits at our agency this weekend .  You know, break in the fresh foster parent meat.  We joined the group at the end of their last MAPP training class to share a little bit of our story, discuss some of the challenges (especially the unexpected ones!) of foster parenting and to give the group some insight into therapeutic foster care which is pretty foreign to most folks.

We talked a lot, we always do, about many things.   But I didn’t really talk about something that has been, particularly at this moment in our journey, very difficult for me – the ‘starting in the middle’-ness of fostering.  I feel as though I have picked up a great novel, perhaps War and Peace, only to begin reading on page 347  of 1498 (or whatever it is).

I have been dumped into the drama  well past the starting point.  In addition to the sense of disorientation that comes from knowing that there is a whole lot that I do not know and may well never know, there is a sense of helplessness that comes from knowing that because I missed the beginning, I am going to be clueless, and make a whole lot of stupid assumptions and corresponding missteps from now until this fine story ends.  Of course,  I understand that all parents make mistakes – that is just a human thing to do.

But it feels different.  The fear of these future errors,  looming somewhere in the distance, coupled with my very complicated feelings about Blitzen’s family of origin, have created a great and genuine sadness in me. To have been there at the beginning, not only to know, to learn, and to understand but also to have witnessed the many early, wonderful moments of Blitzen-ness, what a magnificent gift that would have been.  But alas, I am here on page 399, slowly working my way through, trying to pick up on the context clues and figure it out as I go along.

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Clementine and fosterhood

Because it is all about me and my kid, I am so happy for Rebecca and Clementine.  We had mentioned that to Blitzen that Rebecca was adopting a baby and that it was the forever kinda deal.  And Blitzen was so so excited.  Couldn’t wait to meet the baby and help out and her genuine joy about the forever-ness of it all was wonderful.

So when Rebecca shared how everything had gone terribly, terribly awry, I was really dreading telling Blitzen — how do you explain that?  Caring, thoughtful adults did exactly what they were supposed to do and random bureaucrats screwed it up. So thank goodness for the happy ending.  Woo-hoo.

On another note, a good friend of ours announced the happy news that she and her husband are expecting.  Blitzen was, again, so excited.  But after some consideration of the situation, sighed and said in a slightly disappointed voice, “So they are not adopting, huh?”

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Caught between two worlds

As many of you may have realized, Blitzen has a thing for mermaids.  She is fascinated by them  – part person, part fish, live on land, live in the sea.  It is, of course, the perfect metaphor for her own situation.  How many times has Blitzen asked me, “Would you rather be a semi-mer or a full-mer?”.  More than I can count.

As I have mentioned, she is having a little bit of a hard time which has renewed, as it always does, her interest in writing her fairies and now, her mermaids.  She has asked her mermaids to please, please, please make her a full-mer.  Sigh — the fairies and mermaids cannot do this, as much as they would like to.  And the fairies and mermaids have been kind of hedging – they are looking for ancient mermaid texts, striped green electric eel eggs to use to concoct potions and they are waiting for the spring equinox (which just happens to be the date of the next court hearing).  Perhaps then, for the love of god and mermaids, there will be some kind of resolution and Blitzen can finally feel like she is really on the road to wherever she needs to be – full and complete and settled.

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Little remarks, large consequences

Blitzen’s biomom recently mentioned to Blitzen in an offhand way, over what I like to refer to as ‘illegal grilled cheese’* that when the family is reunited, they will all move to NJ.  Blitzen, always quick on the uptake, asked if she could still go to her school.  Biomom (trying to be nice but not really getting it, as she often doesn’t) tried to explain that NJ was too far from Blitzen’s school.  Blitzen immediately noted to her mother that her school goes until your 18, then you get to go to college – as if that would change everything. This discussion happened a couple of weeks ago.

Blitzen hasn’t brought it up directly but several nights ago I acted like a human being and had a moment of extreme frustration and did that thing that spouses are allowed to do with one another — I vented to Andrew and about Blitzen’s family.  I am usually very careful but it just spilled out and I didn’t say anything mean or disrespectful because I don’t do that but Blitzen heard my anger and frustration and damn, did the shit hit the fan.  The past several nights have been very bad.  I suspect, as always happens with Blitzen, that she has been ruminating about the offhand comment made by biomom and had already concluded that she is going to 1) leave us 2) move to NJ 3) have to leave her school and never get to go to college.  And upon hearing me (and by hearing what I mean is that I spoke in an angry tone to someone else and this then gave life to the internal negative narrative that Blitzen carries around with her every single day – finally proof that she is stupid, ugly and unlovable and so is everyone in her family) Blitzen became convinced that we want her to leave and we don’t love her.

So she has been doing that really fun thing that kids do.  She is making it clear that she totally hates us.  It has been great.  I keep asking Blitzen what it is all about?  What is at the root of all these big angry feelings?  It all came out, of course.  She is terrified that she is going to have to leave us.  This doesn’t mean that we won’t have another night of her screaming until she loses her voice, of course.  We’ll probably have a fair amount of those until Blitzen’s been in therapy for about 20 years.  But it is awfully heartbreaking that someone so young and so small could have so much anger and fear that night after night screaming still doesn’t offer any release.

*Illegal grilled cheese is what Blitzen, Andrew and Blitzen’s biomom have after visits when Andrew is the pick up guy.  They all have a grilled cheese together at a grilled cheese restaurant next door to the agency.  I do not participate in illegal grilled cheese because 1) it is probably against the rules and I am a rule follower 2) it is quite possible (try as I do to understand) that I might smack biomom upside the head and scream – how can you not see that this is the awesomest kid ever and just fucking try harder!!!!  I know it doesn’t work that way, of course.  And it is not simply about trying or not trying.  So I don’t do illegal grilled cheese.  Everyone would surely regret it.

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Raising your voice

Sigh…never good but sometimes I just can’t help myself.  This morning I spoke in a loud, mean voice.  I was tired, I was late, I had been patient for a really really long time and Blitzen was being, how shall we say, resistant to getting ready for school.  I rarely elevate the volume because it just isn’t impactful and Blitzen tends to freak out when I do but sometimes I just want Blitzen to do what I need her to do, and I want her to do it now, not 45 minutes from now.  Of course that is all about me and I acknowledge that.

I always instantly regret it.  First, she desolves into tears, looking so hurt and surprised – Et tu, Brute? –  and then she gets really really really mad.  So much of this reaction is automatic with Blitzen- a response to trauma and drama that I just don’t know anything about and perhaps never will.  Anyway, it was a sucky way to start the morning and made me wish that I had one of those citronella collars like you get for a barking dog — when the volume goes up, a quick spray of something unpleasant to remind you that this is a bad idea….

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