The Siblings

Several people, in different contexts, have asked us about the siblings recently.  And would we consider taking one, two, all 6?  And certainly we cannot take all 6.  Living in NYC and given the work that Andrew and I both do outside the home (which not only supports our family financially but also feeds and sustains us in lots of other ways too) we can’t take on 7 children with emotional, behavioral and cognitive special needs.

But, could we take one more?  And if we did, which one? And if we did, would it really be the best thing for Blitzen? And if we did, would it really be the best thing for Carrie and Andrew?

We discuss this, off and on.  We wonder if the benefit of being coupled with one of her siblings would add value for Blitzen – she so longs for bio-family connection on a daily basis – or would our divided attention along side some of the negative and competitive patterns of interaction that are so deeply ingrained within the sibling dynamics undo the positive progress of the past 17 months?  We wonder.

We always said that we were a 1 kid family – that was the intention.  We also were pretty committed to getting a child that we would support through reunification or family placement and then beyond as  solid, lifelong mentor/aunt-uncle type supporters.  And we took a child that was headed for a kinship placement and then, well — 1.5 years later, we’re asking the agency about adoption paperwork.

It is hard to know where is all gonna land.  Andrew would like to find families for all the kids that live in our neighborhood and share a compatible parenting style and basically start a foster parent commune. Hmmm, not sure that is gonna work but if anyone is up for it, let us know.

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Blitzen and play dates

I think I’ve mentioned before how much Blitzen loves, loves, loves other kids.  Playdates are her favorite thing and we’ve organized several outings, get togethers and afternoons of play at our home over the spring break.

The growth in Blitzen’s social skills this year has been truly amazing.  Over the past couple of weeks, Blitzen has entertained several different friends including her younger sister with virtually no emotional explosions.  She has been kind, let other children engage in conversation with Andrew and me, shared and listened, organized play activities independent of any adult interaction.

Last night, when I arrived home, Blitzen and her guest were sitting down to chinese take out for dinner.  Blitzen loves chinese and had sort of surrounded herself with the food.  I reminded her to be good a hostess and serve her guest.  Well, darn it, sadness — the droopy head, the scowl and bam, she left the room and stomped off into the living room.  Her young guest was startled and said, “Is Blitzen ok?  I’d really like to eat dinner with Blitzen.” Subtext and not with you, boring old lady, surely you don’t want to talk about mermaids!  I assured our friend that Blitzen would be back soon.  I excused myself and went to the living room.  Blitzen had her full-on crank on at this point and snapped at me, “You always want me to be a good hostess.  I am not a chef you know!”  I gently reminded Blitzen that she was welcome to be angry with me but her guest was waiting and would really like to have dinner with her.  Blitzen sullenly returned to the table.  And then, miraculously, the clouds parted, she smiled at her guest, served her some General Tsao’s chicken and then said, “Carrie, I am sorry that I got upset and yelled at you.” And then the evening moved along cheerfully without further incident.

This is just so huge for us.  The fact is Blitzen is now able to quickly and independently cycle through a set of emotions and get back to a happy state with virtually no drama is a life changing.  Woo-hoo.

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parenthood

Parenthood teaches you so much about yourself and even more about your partner (should you be parenting with one). Andrew and I have been together for 22 years and his kindness, good humor, unending optimism, and fiercely loyal nature has never ceased to amaze me. But in all those years, I never would have guessed that Andrew had the capacity to play mermaid barbie for HOURS!  That, my friends, is an example of true and selfless love.

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Family visits, the fun kind

Andrew’s sister, Katie, and her partner, Tom, came to visit us this weekend.  We love these guys – they are playful and funny and fun and energetic.  Blitzen has a great time with them, often improvising skits where she and Tom talk to one another in old man voices and shake invisible canes at one another.  I am not sure why but it is hilarious.

Anyway, when they left on Sunday morning, Blitzen was sad as she often is when she has to say goodbye to people.  But digging deep and finding her inner problem-solver, Blitzen put some fancy outfits and her ‘high heeled’ shoes as well as her ipad into her backpack.  She waited at the door and followed them down the street, giggling, “I am going to fulfill my p-destiny with Katie and Tom!”  Don’t ask me where the extra ‘p’ sound came from.  She went along, destiny seeking, for about a block and then when it was time to turn back, there was just a whole lot of tears.  But it was good while it lasted.

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trauma sucks

Every once in a while, Andrew and I will do some small thing, some little action or movement, and Blitzen freaks the heck out.  This happened last night – I could tell that she was really afraid.  I pressed her, just a little, and asked her if she was remembering something upsetting.  She put her head down on the kitchen table and mumbled yes.  I asked her if she wanted to tell me about it and she got a little defensive and said, ‘No, it is my personal business.’  Indeed, it is.  So I told her that she didn’t have to share the memory or feeling with me but that sometimes when you let these things out, you start to feel better.  She shook her head. I said that it was ok, we didn’t have to talk about it more until she was ready  and I reminded her that she shouldn’t be afraid of talking to us and there was nothing that she could ever tell Andrew or me that would make us love her less.  At which point she burst into tears and ran to hide in my bed under the covers.

Yeah, I suspect that whatever that memory or emotion is, it is kinda big and pretty sucky.

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Perfect, like a prairie burn

Blitzen had a great night and then, as Andrew was putting her to sleep – emotion.  Andrew being Andrew said it was perfect, just like a prairie burn.  Emotion expended, new stuff uncovered, anxiety revealed and released.

And Blitzen being Blitzen, was honest and sad and angry and funny (to us) all at the same time.

She began by saying that her littlest brother, let’s call him Chubby Cheeks, was lucky and got everything.  This, of course, is not true for poor little Chubby Cheeks who has been in several emergency placements over the past 6 months and spent several weeks in a residential facility.

“Chubby Cheeks gets everything, whatever he wants!  How do you think that makes me feel?  In this house, I’ve only ever gotten one thing that I wanted, a mermaid tail. No wait, 2 things – a tail and an american girl doll! Wait but also an ipod so just 3 things.  That is it, just 3 things that I really wanted.  Plus my lockets, I’ve gotten a tail, the dolls, my lockets and an ipod so that is still only 4 things. Well, 5 because I also have the H2O necklaces. But never chips, you only give me the healthy chips. I hate those chips!  My sisters and brothers get everything they want, how do think that makes me feel? They get everything!  Except for Little Man (another brother) he doesn’t get anything either so we can be mad but the rest of them get stuff all the time.  They can’t be mad. And you, you want me to eat the healthy chips but I think 1/2 of my mouth should be for healthy things and the other 1/2 for unhealthy things so I should be getting the unhealthy chips 1/2 the time.  But you want my entire mouth to be healthy!!!”

It went on a bit from there and then she settled in to tell Andrew about her day.  What an interesting little brain she has.

 

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Stealing another person’s brilliant post here

http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2013/02/i-really-hate-whole-slow-and-steady.html

Fine.  And I guess I should fricking exercise too…..

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When my guineas die, can we get a dog?

Carrie — Blitzen, your guineas are going to live for a long time.

Blitzen — But I really want a dog.

Carrie — Yes, I know.  But dogs are a lot of work.  You have to walk them at least 3 times a day.  You have to pay someone to come walk them while you are school and work, you have to pick up their poop.  And dogs are very expensive.

Blitzen — I’ll use all my money to buy a dog and get it shots.

Carrie — We’re not getting a dog any time soon but if we ever do, we’ll adopt it from the ASPCA.  We’ll get a dog that needs a home and some love.  But we’re really not getting a dog any time soon.  Dogs can’t live here, it is in our apartment lease.

Blitzen — What kind of dog do you want?

Carrie — I don’t want a dog but if we had to have a dog, a small dog.  I would want a small one.

Blitzen — NO Carrie, what KIND?  Would you want another beetle?  (and by beetle, she means beagle).  I want a yorkie.

Carrie — I probably wouldn’t want a beagle again.  They are not very good listeners – they kind of insist on doing their own thing all the time.  (Carrie to herself — and we already got plenty of that going on around here).  But of course they are very loving and they sure do like to be around their humans.  (Hmmm).  But we’re not getting a dog.

 

 

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Anger

Blitzen has been really anxious and angry lately.  Last night was not an exception.

She had a lot to say:

“If you really cared about kids, you wouldn’t waste all your money on a house, you would spend it on kids.”

“I know Andrew is afraid of babies.  You probably wouldn’t even take a baby, even if it didn’t have anywhere else to go, you wouldn’t take it because you’re selfish and never help kids.”

“I am lonely and you don’t care.  If you cared, I could have a sleepover with my friends,  I can’t make it one more minute without a sleepover.”

And much much more at top volume with lots of stomping and fist shaking.

After she calmed down, I asked her to think about if she was angry at me or angry about something else.  She replied, “Sometimes I am angry about other things but tonight, I am really just mad at you.”  Fair enough.

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Little remarks, large consequences

Blitzen’s biomom recently mentioned to Blitzen in an offhand way, over what I like to refer to as ‘illegal grilled cheese’* that when the family is reunited, they will all move to NJ.  Blitzen, always quick on the uptake, asked if she could still go to her school.  Biomom (trying to be nice but not really getting it, as she often doesn’t) tried to explain that NJ was too far from Blitzen’s school.  Blitzen immediately noted to her mother that her school goes until your 18, then you get to go to college – as if that would change everything. This discussion happened a couple of weeks ago.

Blitzen hasn’t brought it up directly but several nights ago I acted like a human being and had a moment of extreme frustration and did that thing that spouses are allowed to do with one another — I vented to Andrew and about Blitzen’s family.  I am usually very careful but it just spilled out and I didn’t say anything mean or disrespectful because I don’t do that but Blitzen heard my anger and frustration and damn, did the shit hit the fan.  The past several nights have been very bad.  I suspect, as always happens with Blitzen, that she has been ruminating about the offhand comment made by biomom and had already concluded that she is going to 1) leave us 2) move to NJ 3) have to leave her school and never get to go to college.  And upon hearing me (and by hearing what I mean is that I spoke in an angry tone to someone else and this then gave life to the internal negative narrative that Blitzen carries around with her every single day – finally proof that she is stupid, ugly and unlovable and so is everyone in her family) Blitzen became convinced that we want her to leave and we don’t love her.

So she has been doing that really fun thing that kids do.  She is making it clear that she totally hates us.  It has been great.  I keep asking Blitzen what it is all about?  What is at the root of all these big angry feelings?  It all came out, of course.  She is terrified that she is going to have to leave us.  This doesn’t mean that we won’t have another night of her screaming until she loses her voice, of course.  We’ll probably have a fair amount of those until Blitzen’s been in therapy for about 20 years.  But it is awfully heartbreaking that someone so young and so small could have so much anger and fear that night after night screaming still doesn’t offer any release.

*Illegal grilled cheese is what Blitzen, Andrew and Blitzen’s biomom have after visits when Andrew is the pick up guy.  They all have a grilled cheese together at a grilled cheese restaurant next door to the agency.  I do not participate in illegal grilled cheese because 1) it is probably against the rules and I am a rule follower 2) it is quite possible (try as I do to understand) that I might smack biomom upside the head and scream – how can you not see that this is the awesomest kid ever and just fucking try harder!!!!  I know it doesn’t work that way, of course.  And it is not simply about trying or not trying.  So I don’t do illegal grilled cheese.  Everyone would surely regret it.

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