Love

So we are watching television together, a rare thing in our home, and a kind of goofy commercial begins.  ‘Love is the strongest thing’ says the narrator.  I don’t know if they were selling cars or diapers or retirement plans but I rolled my eyes and said ‘Oh, please.  Love is the strongest thing?’

Blitzen immediately pipes up, ‘If love is not the strongest thing, Carrie, then how come you still love me so much even when I get really mad?’  Fine, love is the strongest thing.  But we probably shouldn’t use it to sell insurance or prozac.

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Anger at ‘the system’

I am very angry, quite disappointed and frustrated.  I so want what is best for Blitzen and her siblings.  And if the court decided that it meant going home to mom, I would support that. I would likely really disagree with that decision at this point given what I know, my heart would surely break as would Blitzen’s I think, but I would support the transition, during and after the process.  And we’d keep our home open but I would not foster again unless Blitzen needed us – we’d be there if Blitzen ever needed us, no matter what.  And I mean it, no matter what.

There has been a level of complication to this case that I have heard is unusual.  The agency that managed the case before our agency took over is high in incompetence and low on integrity.  During my first interaction with that group, I knew they were callous saboteurs and stupid ones at that.  They had no interest in the well-being of children, their parents or those that they enlisted to give care when parents were not able to.  They have no respect for process or the law.  And it is because of this that we find ourselves in the situation that we are in.  And this supreme ineptitude is having a profoundly negative impact (by varying degrees), on a many people – the children, of course, parents both birth and foster, extended families both foster and birth.  It is likely destroying people — some of the siblings, I just don’t know what will happen to them.  I don’t think they have a ‘no matter what’ person in their lives.  And I shutter to think of them aging out of care, drifting away from foster families and families of origin, alone.  Life is hard in the best circumstances and frankly, these are just about the very worst of circumstances.

I really feel like someone needs a serious kick in the ass but there are too many asses and frankly, they all seem immune to kicking.

So I am having an inner battle lately – what would I say if someone at this moment asked me if they should foster?  My instinct is to scream for them to run far far away from this craziness.

But I think that I would actually say that they should do it and they should be prepared to do the most difficult thing that they have ever done.  They should prepare to see a side of human nature that will make them want to vomit (and I am NOT talking about the abuse heaped on children by broken or dysfunctional parents) and they should commit to doing it because lots of other people won’t or can’t.  I guess I would say – don’t worry, you’ll be stronger when you come out the other side.  Although I don’t know that since I am not out yet.

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Blitzen and family and outings and me

We went to another family gathering on Sunday and it was wonderful.  I have an amazing family, as does Andrew.  But we have been in hybernation for 18 months and it feels so good to be out.  To know that Blitzen is at the point where she can sit at a table with other people (adults!) and not have to be the center of attention every moment.  That she can roll with small changes or unexpected challenges.  That she will get angry and snap at me but then say, ‘I am sorry that I was rude, Carrie, I was feeling frustrated.’ And then just get on with having fun.

She has grown so much.  And she has forced me to grow as well.  Somedays, she snaps or yells or is a holy terror in public and doesn’t apologize.  She can be melting down on a New York City street and most days, I just keep on walking.  Eventually, she will take a deep breath and follow — or keep yelling and follow.  But I no longer worry that she will run away or get so worked up that she can’t recover.  It is a testament to us both — Blitzen is much more secure and so am I.  What an amazing journey we continue on together.

Of course, tomorrow something will happen and I will want to hide in the bathroom and cry but I am way more ok with that than I used to be….

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Can I ask you something?

Blitzen often says this — sometimes she asks about ordinary things.  Sometimes she wants to talk about mermaids or why we can’t have a dog.  Sometimes she wants to make her 5,436th plea for a cellphone because ‘everyone else has one’.  Sometimes, she wants to have a serious conversation.

Since I’ve returned from my last trip, Blitzen has been on the verge of asking me something big.  Several times a day, I hear, ‘Can I ask you something?’  Then she veers and we go in another direction.  Last night, she finally worked up the courage to ask me and this is what she said (tear alert – don’t proceed if you tend to get weepy).

Blitzen to Carrie, very serious, a little bit nervous, avoiding looking me in the face, ‘Carrie, do you ever want to let me go?’

For the record, I just burst into tears writing that.

The court proceedings have taken a turn for the messy.  Additional trial dates have been scheduled, more witnesses have been called and it is likely that mom will get another suspended judgement for another year.  I wish a whole lot of things but mostly I truly hope for resolution and permanency for Blitzen and her siblings.  They deserve it and need it. But they are not going to get it for at least another year.  I guess because 5 years in limbo isn’t enough.  And by 5 years, I mean 5 contiguous years this time.  Blitzen has been in care for almost 9 of her 10 1/2 years.  It is a crime and I hope she grows up and sues everyone involved in this case to cover her therapy bills.  And then finds inner peace and let’s it all go.

You’re probably wondering what I said.  Well, I said – ‘No, I would never want to let you go.  But you know that the judge is thinking about what is best for you and the other kids.  And no matter where you live, I will always know you and love and help take care of you and be your best friend.’  Blitzen says, ‘Ok, I know.  But what if the judge says that you can adopt me?’ Carrie says, ‘Then we will.’

It is going to be a very long year.

 

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Baseball

On the spur of the moment, we took Blitzen to her first ball game last night.  Andrew is a huge baseball fan and his team was in town last night so we went.  Blitzen was really excited – when we arrived at the stadium, Andrew suggested that we look around, get a little food and then find our seats.  Blitzen, in her usual exuberant, bouncy way exclaimed, “We have to get to our seats now.  It is my first game and I don’t want to miss it!”  Ok then.

A few of the great Blitzen quotes from the evening:

“You mean I get to yell CHARGE!!!?” Upon hearing of this very exciting fan tradition.

“When are they going to get you guys on the kiss-cam?”  As if this was a foregone conclusion.

“But I don’t want to go home, this place is fun.”

 

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Keep your swords in the boat, please

May be my favorite parental utterance yet.

I said this to 3 very excited girls as they leaned over the side of a ferry, wildly swinging their foam and rubber swords, shouting at smaller craft floating along in the East River.  I am sure that several pleasure boats were concerned that they were about to be boarded by 3rd grade pirates.

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Last day of school – a report from Andrew

I got the following email today:

Lots of B tears today, I’m told, and lots of long teacher hugs.  She really loved this school year. 

Indeed she did.  So glad that she gets to go back to such a wonderful, nurturing place next year.  When I think about how anxious and unsure we were about school at this time last year, it seems millions of miles away.  What a difference a year makes.

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Transitions

Umm, kind of suck.

Why can’t school go on all year?  Who would want to start a new routine in a new place with new people?  Certainly not Blitzen.  Poor thing had an epic meltdown this morning and we were 40 minutes late to school (and work!).  Tomorrow is the last day and I know she is so anxious and unsettled, I anticipate a rocky week.

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Re-entry, take 2

While I was washing Blitzen’s hair last night (she really likes me to do this so I do), we had the following conversation:

Blitzen, “Carrie, I really don’t want you go on any more trips.”

Carrie, “Is it hard for you when I am gone?”

Blitzen, “Yes, I start to forget you a little bit and I just want you to come home.”

Carrie, “I know that must be scary and lonely.  But I’ve always come back and I’m always going to come back.  You know that, right?”

Blitzen, “Yes, I know but I still just want you to stay with me.”

Carrie, “Well, I want to stay with you too but I have to go sometimes for my job.  Next year, I think I will have to travel a little bit less.”

Blitzen, “I think you were gone 17 times this year.”

Carrie, “17 days?”

Blitzen, “No, 17 trips.”

Carrie, “I don’t think it is quite that many – should we try to remember them and count them up?”  I counted and got to five.

Blitzen, “I am pretty sure you are missing some — it has been 17.”

Carrie, “Ok, well, I definitely will not go on 17 trips next academic year.  I promise.”

So, in addition to the fact that my kid is seriously the cutest – I mean, really, just admit my kid is the cutest.  This conversation would not have happened one year ago – it couldn’t have.  Blitzen would not have been capable of identifying, let alone articulating, these feelings.  And she was so calm as she explained this to me.  None of the trauma behavior came out – she just wanted to tell me how she felt.  And she did and it was awesome.

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Easy re-entry

Got a loving, snuggling girl – happy to have me back and not angry that I went (at least not yet!).

And Andrew introduced an exercise ball to the tv room -  he is fricking genius, my spouse.  Blitzen sits on the ball bouncing like mad, directly in front of the tv while Andrew and Blitzen watch their daily 15 minutes of The Voice.  They both love the show.  We dvr it so they can get a daily dose before bedtime stories and most importantly, they can skip the boring parts.

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