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Posts Tagged ‘Carrie’

Blitzen’s friend said to her as we were standing in line at Cold Stone Creamery.  Blitzen, ever competitive, said, “My mom works more.”  I listened, wondered where this was going.  Blitzen’s friend, “Really? My mom has to work weekends. Does your mom work on the weekend?” Blitzen considered this and said, “Yes, she does and sometimes she has to take really long business trips and she has to help the President (of a University – not THE president). ”  Then she looked up and said, “Don’t you, Carrie?”

These moments never fail to surprise me — after almost 3 years, you would think that I would remember that in certain situations, I am ‘mom’.

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I am really having trouble listening to Blitzen.  It is hard to sit with compassion and kindness while someone tells you how much you suck, even when you know that is not what they are really saying.  Andrew keeps telling me not to listen to her words.  And I know that this streak of awfulness is related to anxiety and fear about 1) moving 2) new summer schedule 3) vacation 4) cancelled and rearranged family visits.

Sigh.

I went out on the stoop to get some space and peace and hang out with my best friends, Ben and Jerry.  Blitzen followed me outside to yell at me some more, tell me that I didn’t need ice cream, proceeded to stick her hand in my pint (yeah, it is that bad – I am eating it straight from the carton – if you see a disheveled woman roaming the streets of NYC trying to eat ice cream discreetly from a carton wrapped in a paper bag, you’ll know that it is me) and I maturely responded by pitching the pint out into the street causing Blitzen to start sobbing and yelling that a car was going to hit the ice cream, flip over and people would die and it would be all my fault.  When I explained that due to physics, this chain reaction was extremely unlikely, she replied that she had seen it happen at her old foster home.  I couldn’t argue because Blitzen has seen a lot of fucked up and unbelievable shit so it might have actually happened.

PS – Dear internet – I know that throwing my carton of ice cream was extremely bad parenting and littering, and I am deeply regretful about both of those things. But no one died in a car flipping tragedy so at least there is that.

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Last night (after showering in the shower in our room – her preference) Blitzen comes out as I am tidying and putting things away.  I mention that I am going to run upstairs to quickly put things in a different closet.  Blitzen, full of indignation, says, “Well, if you are going to leave, I might as well shower and put my pajamas on in my own room!” Hmmm, there is a thought.  She wasn’t done, though, “And you NEVER run and you WON’T be quick – you are going take your time picking your outfit for tomorrow.” Apparently the child has studied my ways – she was right on both counts.

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Blitzen, it is Tuesday tomorrow so you remember, I have to leave for work early, right?

Yes, Carrie.

Ok, so when I leave early, you are not going to feel upset because you remember.

Oh no, I am going to be upset.

Why, honey, we’re talking about it now?

I just don’t like you to leave me.

 

All relayed to me as calm as can be.  And she didn’t get upset, but she just got nervous and then ready early.  Calling down to me every 30 seconds – Carrie, did you leave yet?

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So Blitzen has figured out how to facetime from her i-touch.  For long time readers, you will know that Blitzen has long had a tremendous amount of angst about the fact that she doesn’t have a cellphone and can’t call the people that she loves.  Keep in mind that she can call the people she loves whenever she wants because she is always with an adult that has a phone.  The overwhelming desire to reach out and touch someone most often comes at homework time, guinea pig cage cleaning time or shower time — she is not allowed to phone her relatives when she is supposed to be tending to her responsibilities.  This has caused many a disagreement – ‘You never let me call my mother! I could call her if I had a phone!’ she will wail.  To which we reply, you can call your mother as soon as you sit down and do your homework. And you still couldn’t call if you had your own phone because you still wouldn’t be allowed to use electronics during homework time.

But I digress.  This week Blitzen has begun facetiming me, right after school, to inform me of things.  ‘Carrie, I have a stomach ache.’ she informed me on Tuesday. I suggested that she ask the babysitter to get her a gingerale.  ‘Ok, Carrie. I will.  I’ll see you tonight.’ she replied.  And then yesterday she facetimed me again and we had a comical and typical Carrie and Blitzen discussion.

Blitzen, ‘Carrie, I am not coming home after.’

Carrie, ‘Yes, I know, you are going to M’s after school, right?’

Blitzen, ‘But I am spending the night.’

Carrie, ‘Yes, I know, sweetie, M’s mom talked to Andrew before she invited you.’

Blitzen, ‘Oh, ok.  I just wanted to call you so you would know where I am.’

Carrie, ‘Thank you, honey, I appreciate that.  That was a good thing to do.  Have a wonderful time.’

Blitzen, ‘Ok, Carrie.  I love you.’

Carrie, ‘I love you too.’

Darn that kid is adorable..  And these discussions are always even more hilarious because I am always in a meeting and Blitzen is always so earnest.

 

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‘Sure, B, that is fine.’

‘Can I listen to one my shows – no, wait, wait, LISTEN to the voices of one of my shows on my ipod while I am in the shower?’

‘Well, Blitzen, that seems an awful lot like watching tv – you’re just not looking at the pictures.’

‘When you read a book, isn’t that just like watching tv without hearing the voices because it is all in your brain?’

‘Go take a shower, Blitzen.’

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As mentioned, Blitzen is exploring an array of conflicted and heavy emotions right now. And it is playing out, as these things do, in just about all aspects of our life.

One of Blitzen’s odd triggers is cleaning the guinea pig cage. I guess most children who own guinea pigs argue with their parents about cleaning the cage. I get it, it is gross, creating how to videos is whole lot more fun, and you know, the whole childhood – you are not the boss of me – thing.

But with Blitzen, every day parental disagreements are so loaded. So, during our weekly cage cleaning, Blitzen got pretty mad at me. And I told her that I wasn’t interested in being yelled at so she could clean the cage independently or call me when she was ready work together without fighting.

Her response,’You always bail on me. You just walk away. You’ve been lying to me since I was 8. And telling me that I can’t be what I really want to be.’

And I said, ‘Blitzen, what is this really about? I don’t think we’re talking about guinea pigs any more.’

Blitzen yelled, ‘you told me I could never be a mermaid and all I want is be a mermaid. I believe it but you don’t.’

Carrie replied, ‘Blitzen, that doesn’t sound like me. I don’t bail on you, I am here, right now, trying to help. And as for mermaids, some people believe in them and some people don’t. But you can believe it in and I think it is wonderful that you do.’

Oh boy, my poor Blitzen. It really sucks to be in this in between, insecure place.

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