Parent teacher conferences

This year make me smile.  What a difference a stimulating, encouraging, nurturing, loving environment makes.

Our main goal for school this year was getting Blitzen to love school and to feel like a valued, successful member of a community of learners.  All are agreed – A+ (except our school doesn’t give grades but the many pages of thoughtfully written narrative tell the story).

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Look, Carrie, I don’t want to have this kind of night either

Blitzen said to me in response to my raised eyebrow in response to her informing me that I was ‘not the boss of her and could not tell her read 2 books for homework’.

And then miraculously, we didn’t have that kind of night.  We compromised – 1 book and some reading flash cards. By bathtime, she was singing in the shower and jolly as can be.

Whew!

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DOE

Andrew has written so thoughtfully and eloquently on this just now.  But I really must add:

Suck much, New York City Department of Education?

I can’t recall how much I blogged about last year’s IEP experience. But it was ridiculous. And we are embarking on a different process this year and I guess I should say that I am glad that they didn’t break any laws this time.  At least not yet.  A year ago, it was like they read the handbook and reviewed the due process guidelines and then chuckled and said, ‘let’s do the exact opposite just to fuck with them’. It was theater of the absurd or candid camera or something. Every special education professional that we spoke to following that original IEP meeting in June of 2012 gaped at us in disbelief and said,  “You’re kidding right?!?” to which we’d reply, “No, that really happened, just like that.” and the special ed person would say, “Um, wow, that is so totally against the law.  They really can’t do that.”  And we did in fact file a letter with the DoE explaining how they had violated due process and we requested mediation. In all their wisdom, the DoE chuckled again and said, “You are not this child’s parents.  So, we don’t actually have to listen to you at all, foster parents, go away.  Or have her mother file a grievance.” **  And we did maybe not the right thing but the most expedient thing – we said, “Never mind, we’re sending our kid to a place that values children and their parents (foster or otherwise).”

This year, they are simply allowing themselves to be guided by a very faulty evaluation.   And because of the school we are in, a very expensive independent school that focuses on children and not tests of any kind,  it doesn’t really matter much for Blitzen’s day to day existence / experience. We went to DOE for some support services, we need services and we got services. So, that is all good, right?  As long as she stays with us, as long as we invest in her education at an independent school, it will be ok, probably.  If she ever has to return to public school, this evaluation will be all that matters and I am not sure that I am exaggerating when I say that it would have a devastating impact on Blitzen’s education.

**  Just an aside that if Blitzen’s mother, at this moment in her life, had the time, energy and where with all to take on a huge, intimidating, bureaucratic, death star of an organization like DoE, her children would likely be living with her and not in care.  That is why foster parents exist, often times, to help parents do parenting when for whatever reason they cannot – be it for 6 months or forever.  So the fact that a foster parent would be refused due process ON BEHALF OF a child in their care just goes to show that all of this has nothing to do with children and everything to do with power and oppression.  And so I stand by my opening statement, so elegantly articulated – DOE sucks.

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Blitzen’s Evaluation

People in relationship with Blitzen quickly recognize that she’s brilliant in many ways — curious, creative, quick to make connections, adept at learning new skills with her body, a divergent thinker, a problem solver.  Carrie and I don’t spend much time talking about her intelligence; it’s taken for granted by all who know her, and we move on to the important stuff.  Where do mermaids swim?   When do you feel joyful?  How do you make cartoon characters?  How do you be a friend?  What do you do when you feel really angry?  How do you make Dolphin Cove into a real island?  What makes a family?  How do we change patterns of behavior?  In the book Ingo, why does the sea call to Sapphire?

Blitzen and the wonderful folks in her life are wrestling with those questions every hour.  That’s the work, that’s the joy.   We’re Team Blitzen and this is what we do.

Yesterday we received a Department of Education evaluation by email.  It came in upside down, but it can be read if you print it out or stand on your head.  It’s filled with numbers and clinical-sounding words designed to distance and intimidate.  The word deficient is used a lot.

Reports like that shouldn’t matter.  Blitzen’s brilliance is an ontological reality; her intelligence and glee exist whether or not they’re acknowledged.  My instinct, as a privileged, educated white man who does well on my culture’s bubble tests, is to ignore the upside down email and channel ee cummings:

While you and i have lips and voices which
are for kissing and to sing with
who cares if some oneeyed son of a bitch
invents an instrument to measure Spring with?

The problem is that our measuring is not benevolent.  The systems of dominance embedded in our education and child welfare institutions are have consequences in the lives of kids like Blitzen.  Evaluations like that have the effect (and, I’d argue, the intent) of separating undesirable kids from their peers and offering them an education with less creativity, less critical thinking, less joy, less humanity and less possibility.
This disproportionally affects traumatized kids, kids of color and kids in foster care.  (If you’re a footnote type, 40% of kids in care are in special education and 50% of kids in care don’t graduate from high school.)

Blitzen and those of us lucky enough to be on her team won’t have the privilege of  kissing, singing and swimming in Dolphin Cove without spending time, energy and creativity in the soul-sucking battle against the measuring instruments that prop up systems of inequity.

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IEPs and department of education and fosterparenting

These things do not mix well. We have a meeting tomorrow. Ugh…

Also, giving a child an evaluative test that requires reading when the child struggles with reading is not really a very accurate way to measure said child’s overall abilities especially when the test 3 hours long and given at dinner time. Just saying….

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Poem in Your Pocket Day

Last Thursday was Poem in Your Pocket Day and the children at Blitzen’s school composed poems and read them to friends, teachers and strangers throughout the day.

My Necklace by the Wonderful Blitzen

I like my necklace
It sings in the wind
It tells me to go swim
It tells I am a mermaid
I go swimming

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Why am I always losing stuff?

Blitzen has some short-term memory issues. And she is 10. Consequently, she misplaces and forgets things – a lot. Last night, she was sure that her favorite necklace was in her bed but it wasn’t. Now don’t get me started on why perhaps your bed is not a safe place to store your favorite necklace.

She cried and cried, so distraught. She wanted to look for her necklace. But we held firm and said no. It was bed time, I was sure that we would find the necklace in the morning (and we did). It was heartbreaking, though, to hear Blitzen sobbing, “Why am I always losing stuff?”. She gets so frustrated. And I can relate to the feeling, there is nothing more infuriating than that memory, hovering just outside of reach, somewhere in your brain but you just can’t get it. I think Blitzen spends a lot of the day, wrestling with that feeling – what is that kid’s name, again? what is this word that I am reading? where did I put that? what did I eat for lunch?

And it makes parenting more challenging, in serious ways and in just annoying, routine ways. I sent the following text to the babysitter today:

C – B has left several items at school that need to be gathered and returned home: 2 pairs of sneakers, 2 lunch boxes, 1 iPod and several pairs of socks. Could you assist with this after school? I would be thrilled if we could locate even 1/2 of said items. Thanks

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Blitzen, the explorer

Blitzen went to a nature conservatory with her class yesterday and they explored the Hudson River. She was very excited – they all put on waders and got walk around in the river looking for fish and stuff. They found 2 crabs and named them Mr. Crabby Pants 1 and Mr. Crabby Pants 2. I am not actually sure if they were crabs and sadly, it sounds like Mr. Crabby Pants 1 may have had an untimely accidental demise at the hands of the 3rd grade.

I never met a kid that loved to explore and learn and check stuff out more than Blitzen. During breakfast this morning, she asked if she could tell my about the river, again. I had heard it all yesterday but clearly, material this good is worth retelling.

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I am very anxious

About the 3rd grade play. It is Friday, Blitzen has a ton of lines which she has not quite memorized, she has been crying at play practice and her family may (or may not – who the hell knows?!?) be coming to school to watch.

What if she forgets her lines? What if her bio-family is unkind or crazy or doesn’t show up?

Really, it is much pressure for a 42 year old. I mean 10 year old — I keep reminding myself that this is not about me…..

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Oceania

Blitzen is teaching a special course at school to the other kids called Oceania. It is all about the ocean and how to make mermaid tails. Yesterday was the first day and she told me, with much surprise in her voice, that only girls signed up. I am not sure why the 3rd grade boys don’t want to make their very own mermaid tail but it is a little shocking that they didn’t join the course in droves. Anyway, I am sure that Blitzen will enjoy the experience of designing a class about her favorite thing and sharing the joys with her friends. And as an added bonus, her two favorite grownup teachers are working with her.

When I think back to a year ago, when poor Blitzen was melting down and running out of the classroom every day after hours of frustrating test prep, I just shudder. What a difference.

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