Blitzen and guests

Yesterday we had company. Yay, company. I used to love socializing, yay socializing. During our first year plus with Blitzen, we really kind of hunkered down in the bunker. It was hard – I didn’t have the energy for anything else and it felt like Blitzen just didn’t have the capacity. We’re trying to be more normal now and by normal, I mean living a life that extends beyond the walls of our home and welcoming people into our home.

But Blitzen still struggles a bit. Another foster family came to visit us yesterday with 2 adorable little girls – toddler and preschool age. Blitzen was very excited about this ahead of time but less excited in the moment. When they arrived, after a moment of shyness, the little girls were very friendly and we were friendly back. I think this did not sit well with Blitzen. I sense that she remains quite insecure about our affections and her place in the family. She frankly is uneasy about competition. She immediately went upstairs to be by herself. (By the way, HUGE accomplishment there. Blitzen being uncomfortable or angry or sad and removing herself from the situation instead having a tantrum – awesome!). We continued along with our entertaining. Blitzen emerged a couple of times to speak with me privately. Again, wow – she didn’t raise her voice but spoke to me, very angrily of course but still, about how she was feeling. First, she expressed extreme displeasure that I asked to her show the girls the bathroom – how come I never show people where the bathroom is?!? Second, she was very angry that we had shown the girls her guinea pigs. Third point, she informed me that she had no intention of showing the girls her stuff or sharing it with them. Ok, I said. We’ll stay downstairs and play. I hope you reconsider and join us.

Finally, she couldn’t stand it and she came out yet again – wearing a fancy outfit that included 10 bracelets, earrings and 2 necklaces. She was determined to be crabby but little kids love Blitzen instinctively, so they glommed right onto her and she relented. She took them upstairs where they played with her dolls and made bracelets with pop beads for 30 minutes. It was great.

I need to think more about how to set up these types of visits so that Blitzen feels more in control. Perhaps in the future we’ll identify items that she is comfortable showing and sharing, maybe even bring them downstairs so no one needs to go into her territory.

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Oceania

Blitzen is teaching a special course at school to the other kids called Oceania. It is all about the ocean and how to make mermaid tails. Yesterday was the first day and she told me, with much surprise in her voice, that only girls signed up. I am not sure why the 3rd grade boys don’t want to make their very own mermaid tail but it is a little shocking that they didn’t join the course in droves. Anyway, I am sure that Blitzen will enjoy the experience of designing a class about her favorite thing and sharing the joys with her friends. And as an added bonus, her two favorite grownup teachers are working with her.

When I think back to a year ago, when poor Blitzen was melting down and running out of the classroom every day after hours of frustrating test prep, I just shudder. What a difference.

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Another email to the social worker – we might be overcommunicators

Dear S

With input from Blitzent’s teacher and Blitzen, we decided earlier this week that Blitzen should take a day off of school for a little bit of a break.  She has been working very hard, hasn’t missed any school not related to appointments (or hurricanes!) all year.    And she has had a couple of rough days at school and as you know, many rough evenings at home.  Blitzen is now regretting the decision but we made a plan so we’re sticking to it.  Given the amount of anger she is showing about this as I write this email, it is quite possible that you will hear tomorrow at family visit about how we cruelly made her stay home from school when she really really really wanted to go to learn and be with her friends.  “You never let me finish what I start” she is hollering at this very moment.  I just wanted you to know what was up -  we’re taking a much needed vacation day.

Blitzen was also having a bit of problem when it was time for pet therapy  tonight – she didn’t want to separate from her friends and leave school to go.  We spend a lot of time with Blitzen identifying afterschool activities, outlining our schedule and confirming plans – Blitzen is having some trouble lately sticking with her commitments and the schedule.  I’ve let her know that if she is not enjoying pet therapy, she can decide to ‘resign’ but  the decision will be final, she must speak to you before she does it and she must attend one last session to say goodbye to the trainer, the dogs and her pet therapy friends.

Best, Carrie and Andrew

 

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Clementine and fosterhood

Because it is all about me and my kid, I am so happy for Rebecca and Clementine.  We had mentioned that to Blitzen that Rebecca was adopting a baby and that it was the forever kinda deal.  And Blitzen was so so excited.  Couldn’t wait to meet the baby and help out and her genuine joy about the forever-ness of it all was wonderful.

So when Rebecca shared how everything had gone terribly, terribly awry, I was really dreading telling Blitzen — how do you explain that?  Caring, thoughtful adults did exactly what they were supposed to do and random bureaucrats screwed it up. So thank goodness for the happy ending.  Woo-hoo.

On another note, a good friend of ours announced the happy news that she and her husband are expecting.  Blitzen was, again, so excited.  But after some consideration of the situation, sighed and said in a slightly disappointed voice, “So they are not adopting, huh?”

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Merry Christmas, part 2

Looked a little something like this:

Fly from NC to Phx – 6 long, long hours but everyone behaved during the bumpy airplane ride.  Thank you to any and all gods for ipad and assorted apps.

Deplane, gather now stuffed to bursting bags loaded with the first round of holiday gifts, drive to Andrew’s dad’s deserted home (thank you, Beepaw) to stay the night.  Eat late dinner, get mad at bedtime, put on leggings, sweatshirt, hat and mittens with sandals – declare ‘I am really leaving this time’ but only lie down on the sofa and fall asleep.

Get up next morning for Christmas part 2.  Go Carrie’s parents’ house and open gifts with aunts and uncle and cousin — wow, Santa came here too and everything is as surprise.  Yay!  Have lovely holiday brunch and bonding with family. Then play, play, play, play, play with 9 year old cousin and assorted neighbors in quiet cul-de-sac ALL DAY LONG.  Do not notice or care that Carrie drinks 3 cups of coffee, uses a swear word and watches an entire BLACK and WHITE movie, ALONE on dvd while lying on the sofa.  Bliss, for everyone, bliss.

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Christmas trees and chinese lobster

As I mentioned yesterday, Blitzen really struggles with firsts.  Unless it is something that is delightful and small.  If it happens organically, she is always so excited to try something new.  Like lobster.  Recently, I met Andrew and Blitzen at a chinese restaurant where they were feasting with a friend of Blitzen’s before we all headed to a movie.  Imagine my surprise when I encountered the two 9 year old girls chowing down on lobster.  There was a big tank in the front of the restaurant and apparently Blitzen had been totally fascinated.  Her friend (this is the upper westside of NYC we’re talking about here) informed her that lobster was delicious AND fun to eat.  Blitzen just had to try it.  And she loved it, of course.  The taste, the presentation, the big old mess of scooping meat out of claws.  A grand time was had by all.

And as we work our way through the holiday season, I am focusing more and more on our firsts and thinking about our seconds.  Blitzen loves our tree and delightfully unwrapped and examined all of the ornaments this past weekend.  She remembered many of them from last year, was still enthralled by the stories.  I had separated her ornaments into their own box so she was delighted to open the container with ones that she had gotten from friends and family the year before – her very own ornaments filled with memories from last year.

Moments like these make me aware of being thankful that we are getting an opportunity to have seconds with Blitzen.  I put those ornaments of hers in a separate box because I didn’t think she would still be with us in a year when I packed those away last winter.  And as joyful (most of the time) that it is still have Blitzen in our home, it is a painful thing for me to think about the degree of uncertainty that this child has to live with every single day.  I know that she thinks every first is probably a last which is part of the reason everything is so big, so important, so precious and therefore so so so difficult.

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The sleep-over

Blitzen hosted her first, non-relative sleep-over this weekend.  The event itself went really well.  I think both girls had fun.  There was a little playtime and then everyone got dressed up to go to the Nutcracker.  One of Blitzen’s classmates was in the show and the girls were adorably indignant that her 15 minutes of fame was more like 15 seconds — apparently the angels have very small parts.

While the slumber party itself went of without a hitch, Blitzen was a hot mess leading up to it.  Andrew and I really struggled about whether or not to go through with it at all. It was so bad that we almost called the whole thing off 2 hours before we were supposed to pick up Blitzen’s friend.  This is a place where we really struggle.  When dealing with Blitzen, ‘firsts’ suck  – every single time.  Doesn’t matter what it is, she will work herself up into such a state of anxiety and anticipation that she becomes a whirling dervish of whiny demands and inappropriate behavior.   Once the ‘first’ starts, she usually chills right out and acts like her usual (mostly) delightful self.

So what is the consequence for being rude and demanding and mean?  There should be one, right? Of course there should be.  But what to do when we know the root cause is anxiety — how do you convince Blitzen that it will be all just fine?  How do you get her to move through a ‘firsts’ day without acting out terribly when your initial natural response to her behavior is to threaten to do what she is most afraid you will do – cancel, bail, change your mind, ruin everything?

In this case, we just kept moving through the day, dragging Blitzen (almost literally) kicking and screaming through our usual routine and errands, taking advantage of a few fun things that popped up along the way.  I am not sure we did the right thing, I am still dissecting it.  Maybe I will do it differently next time or maybe just the same, I still don’t know.  Perhaps we’ll never try anything new again — yeah, that is probably not gonna work.

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moving to NJ

Um, hell no.  No offense, NJ people.

Apparently, the moms and dads at school have been asking Andrew when we are moving to NJ or when, specifically, is Blitzen moving to NJ (or occassionally to Arizona or North Carolina).  We have heard that several times a day for a week or two now, Blitzen has burst into tears and confided in a classmate that she has to move to NJ and won’t be able to come to her school any more.  All this stems from a recent family visit.  Biomom announced that they would all be coming back to her soon and they would be moving to NJ.

Now, I know, I get it — if Biomom had sophisticated parenting skills, we all wouldn’t be here.  But really?!?  How about some context, some planning, some something.

Andrew and I don’t think this will come to pass – 1) the return to biomom soon 2) the move to NJ.  We’ve reassured Blitzen that even if that happens, we’ll try to figure out a way to get her to school.  And we will — we’re quite committed to doing whatever possible to be sure that she gets to stay at her current school for as long as she can, no matter what happens.  But that doesn’t really alleviate her anxiety and stress.

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the birds and the bees

All I can say is that it is a topic of interest and we have a really great book.  A recent conversation between me and Blitzen went something like this:

Blitzen to Carrie, “Will you read me the book while I am in the shower?”  This is after having already read it, repeatedly.

Carrie to Blitzen, “Sure but it will be hard to see the pictures while you are showering.”

Blitzen to Carrie, “That is ok.  This book is really fascinating.  We should get a chapter book about how babies are made.  Then it will last for weeks!”

And the next day, we went to visit Rebecca and baby Sandy.

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The Kiddie Pleasure Palace, part 1

We went to one of those child-centered resorts to mark the occasion of our 1st anniversary as a family. There was an indoor water park, horses, a few exotic animals, all kinds of kid-oriented fun including a game show and a dj dance party with a dance off.

Blitzen really loved the party and she won a dance prize, of course. The kid loves the spotlight. I wish I could post the pictures and video of Blitzen sitting on the edge of the stage, raising her hand so high in the air – pick me for the dance, pick me, pick me, pick me!!!! Most of the kids at the dance party were older, middle-school age, including a group of girls celebrating what was probably a 13th birthday.  They would have intimidated the hell out of me but not Blitzen.  She was right there, dancing with them the whole night.

After several rounds of dance off action, Blitzen still hadn’t been picked. Time to problem-solve, she must have thought to herself as marched over to the dj booth, introduced herself and made fast friends with the young man in charge, talking him into a final showdown.  And there you go – Blitzen, please take the stage.

There is very little in life that is more fun than watching a determined Blitzen working to make something happen. She is so brave and open and out there.  It is kind of miraculous.

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