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ok, ya all

You made me cry a bit there – in a good way. My sis-in-law wrote to say that even she got a little teary from the comments and she is a total badass. (I am concerned about B’s privacy but not my in-laws, apparently!).

I am still a thinking — about Blitzen, self-preservation, a creative outlet, the support hat I really do get from the wonderful vibes anonymous people send my way and the ability to process this incredibly complex way of life that writing has created for me.

I am still a thinking — about what has shifted for me in the last few months that has made things so difficult in a new way.

I am going to take a little break for a week or two and try to figure out if there is a good way to move forward, perhaps with fewer public posts about Blitzen (although as several people have said — there are so many of the wonderful things about this kid that I have captured here, I hope to keep writing all that down for both me and for her whether or not I make those items public). Maybe it is time turn my attention more to some of the social justice issues that being a foster parent has brought into focus for me in a new  and very very real way.

I also just have to say that this past week, the entire world feels wrong which is likely contributing to this feeling that I am having. Everything that is happening in Missouri and the often disheartening discussions that I’ve had with other white people about it, the ridiculous and skewed press coverage, have just weighed me down.  I am deeply saddened, really struggling with how to contribute to this discussion in a meaningful way, how to help Blitzen cope with this tremendous injustice but also prepare for a world that doesn’t see her or respect her.  Even the air feels heavy and full of darkness.

Time to breathe and try to find some brightness.  I’ll likely be back, one way or another, soon.

Thinking about

If it is time to bring the blog to a close. We are no where near any kind of resolution. Things have gotten, in many ways, more difficult. I feel judged and attacked and sad and alone — not because of the internet, just in general — which just makes it hard to put myself out there. And I think more and more about Blitzen and her privacy. I am not sure she would be a fan of the blog….

Fireflies

Firefly catching is fun. Enjoying lovely moments where we can.

I know it sounds weird but making my own lunch is fun.

Well, now, Blitzen – tis fun for Andrew and me too!

You are always leaving

Blitzen, I am going to work. Sometimes you have to leave me like when you go to camp or school.

Yeah, but I don’t want to leave you.

Poor Blitzen, the only thing worse than being around me is being away from me!

 

Oh, executive functioning, why oh why are you required to get through middle school?

On the upside, we do have a very elaborate plan of action in regards to locker decor – there will be a mirror and a chandelier, I am told…How to remember to bring home our work and books, the plan is less solid.

Blitzen really wants to be independent – when it suits her.  There have been some disagreements about when she will be ready to take public transportation by herself.  She knows what to do and where she is going. She also gets distracted easily and then flustered when confused or anxious.  My biggest fear is that she will miss her stop and then be too anxious to get help until she is full melt down and panic mode.  So we’ve been trying create independence with a safety net.

Last week, Andrew and I let her walk up the hill from the subway to camp by herself. And by ‘by herself’ I mean that we stated that we would follow her (it is several blocks) but not talk to her or give her directions. We would just be a block behind her (we could still see her) and she could call back or come back to us if she needed anything. Well, don’t you know our adorable little Blitzen walked backward almost the entire way – chattering at us in a loud voice – about everything going by and her day ahead. That kid cracks me up.

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